From Siberian Orphanage to Paralympic Legend

Jessica Long1:16

It was a different time in 2004. Um, but I went I I had training camps with Team USA. I was the youngest. I think some of my best friends were 16, 15, 16.

But my very first race was pretty wild. You know, my whole I hadn't really seen much of my family and they're all wearing their matching Hawaiian shirts and there's a crowd of thousands of people and I'm up against the world record holder from Israel. And I already I already swam really well in the morning, but that night, you know, I was seated first. I was in the middle of the lane, you know, lane four, the fastest lane, and I knew I was in place for the gold, but a lot of people have swimming strategies.

So, I jump in. I I swim without my prosthetics. I jump in on my knees,

And I'm racing. And I'm racing and I'm just swimming with my whole heart, right? And later, I found out at the flip turn that I was in fifth place, which is not a place for any medal. And there was something in me on the way, right? It's not how you start, it's how you finish a race. And I recogn I remember thinking like I was like neck and neck with the world record holder

Twice my age. And I remember breathing to my right 15 m out and I remember saying it to myself like like the world stopped and I said I did not come here to get second and we touched the wall and a tenth of a second I won.

Jessica Long2:37

So it was pretty wild.

Jessica Long2:39

It was it was the start of this entire crazy journey that's even brought me here today. I went on to win tumer gold. I fell in love with the idea of gold and honestly gold became a lot of my identity up until I was around the age of 20. But I I I just loved winning and I wanted to prove to my parents up in the stands that I was worth it. You know,

Jessica Long3:00

Yeah. I wanted to show them that I you know I was worth being loved and in a way it kind of it really took off this way of um feeling like I had to earn love. So even though I won four years later, there was a lot of lessons in there.

Jessica Long3:22

Yeah. But I also, you know, growing up in a family, I'm one of six, adopted from Russia. You know, I think for me,

Jessica Long3:32

Yeah. So four girls and two boys. Parents had to couldn't have any more. Adopted my brother and I from a Siberian orphanage.

Jessica Long3:42

He's not my biological brother. I mean, it's kind of I'm like, he's my brother, but yes, he was just in the same orphanage.

Jessica Long3:47

He I was one, he was three. He was so malnourished, he fit into my one-year-old clothes. He couldn't even wear the three-year-old clothes. And then they had two more miracle babies, so two little girls after we were adopted, like four years later. But I think for me, just growing up in a family, right, I had surgeries every couple months, every time I grew. And there's no way, you know, for me as a little girl, knowing that I was adopted to this family and my parents went over it all the time.

I just couldn't help but feel like a burden, you know, that I had done something wrong to I must have done something wrong to have been born with a deformity, right? I was missing my legs and to have to have surgeries, especially when my sisters were born and they didn't, you know, they had legs and I had a hard time comprehending that was it was very hard.

Jessica Long5:04

Oh, I mean, we were that family that over said I loved you. We had family dinners every night. And anytime I wanted to see my Russian box is what we called it. Um, which had a necklace that I was going to get at 18. It had the note that my birth mom left, right, they would they were they never hid it from me. They welcomed it. And I think every day I think I ask the same question. you know, why was they put up for adoption?

And

I can't imagine as a parent, you know, we don't have kids yet, my husband and I, but um

Jessica Long5:31

Soon. We're pregnant with twins, but just what my parents felt, right? And I would ask them every constantly, why did I why didn't I have legs? You know, how do you answer those questions? And I mean, it must have been so tough, but they it was a house full of so much love.

Jessica Long6:34

Yeah,

Jessica Long6:40

I think it takes a lot of time. You know, growing up, again, I knew I was different. I knew I could do anything. I never felt disabled because I could do anything I set my mind to, right? I didn't have parents who really talked about my legs. It was always this encouragement. And you know, they tell this story that one time I was in my little hot pink wheelchair and I like to do everything by myself. I wanted to do it by myself and they were like, Jess, we looked like the worst parents in the world.

You know, you flew out of your hot pink wheelchair. People tried to come up and help you and we were like, give her a minute. Um, and they were always like two steps like ready to jump in, but they were like, that was you. You wanted to do it yourself. even no matter how many times you fell down and I lost legs or flew out of my wheelchair. But yeah, I mean I would say adoption for me and I'm still working on it, right? It's never just over, right?

Especially being pregnant right now.

Just it was hard. I think adoption is the most beautiful in some ways tough tragedy that can happen, right? And

I never had parents who were like I mean they never acted like they saved me, you know, all these things. But there were moments that I had to really come to terms that I love this family. You know, my name was changed from Tatiana to Jessica, which is so funny to me. Um, but it was hard. And I remember a lot of what fueled me was anger. And a lot of times I would ask my parents, you know, just why why didn't she want me? Why didn't why?

And I don't think I could understand the orphanage and everything that really was happening, but it was very hard for me to understand. And I don't know if that was all the anesthesia, right? I had surgeries every couple months. I was I had a hard time. I was in a ton of pain. I mean, and that was really confusing, too, right? Like, why did I have to go through life being so different in so much pain?

Jessica Long8:22

I was angry. I didn't want to. I didn't like it.

Jessica Long9:37

I say that to my parents, too.

Jessica Long10:31

So before swimming, I did gymnastics. And when I'm not wearing my legs, I walk on my knees. So my parents were just afraid I would damage my knees with all the jumping on landing. So they sat me down and they said, "You need to find another sport." And I was very active. I mean, they put me in everything. And it was never she can't do something cuz she doesn't have legs. I think I did ice skating. Like why was I doing ice skating with no legs?

Legs would shoot across the ice. But I'd always love to swim. And for me, my prosthetics at the time were so difficult, right? No matter how many times we went in to get adjustments, I was just my body was changing so fast. I was going in for surgeries and bony overgrowth. And I had my with what I was born with fibular hemimelia. I had both these little feet, these little deform feet with three toes amputated when I was 18 months. So I just I didn't really like wearing my legs.

So swimming was perfect. So I after that talk as a family, you know, with gymnastics, um they said, you know, try it with your legs on. I tried it, didn't like it. We found swimming and we found a local clip, like just something in the local paper, which is so crazy to say now. And I showed up and most of my life I've been the girl with no legs, right? I've never I've never really been made fun of. I'm so grateful for that. But I was also homeschooled and there was a lot of things, you know, my parents were really great with teaching me.

Jessica Long11:47

People are curious.

But I'll never forget I walked in with my dad. I sat down on the bench. I took off my legs. I walked over on my knees. I'm half this the height of the boys and the girls.

But I I mean I'd always love to swim with the freedom that it gives me. There's nothing else in this world that gives me the freedom of of swimming. And I still to this day I'm addict. I love the feeling of the water. But that was always hard, right? Knowing that wherever I went, I was a girl with no legs. And I only knew two strokes, not very well. I knew freestyle and backstroke. And it took me forever to learn butterfly.

Jessica Long12:20

But I kept going back and I I've often shared this, but you know, I was never really made fun of. I was treated a friend, a competitor. And when I started beating the girls with legs, that was really cool. But the boy when I started beating the boys with legs, that was even better. So

Jessica Long12:40

You would think. But see, I didn't I never I didn't have a the opportunity to slack off. I had to give 110%. And I saw when people didn't try and I always had to try to even stay afloat, right? I had an amazing coach who worked on my technique. I think that's one of the coolest things about swimming is that, you know, you can be this big strong whatever, but if you don't understand how the water works or how to work your body or tuck, you know, all these little things that just um

Worked for me that allowed me to just fly forward.

Jessica Long13:14

Yeah, kind of. It's It's I'm swimming against people in my same classification, we call it.

Jessica Long13:23

So, S9's could be missing one. I'm an S8. Um, so they measure they do all sorts of measurements. So they have a pool test, a um a bench test, and they get like doctors. They have it's a whole process to figure out what classification. So it's equal and fair. So I compete as an S8. S stands for swimmer. It goes from S1 to S10. And then there's a visually impaired category. And then we have a cognitive category. Um but I've never switched. Like I've always been an S8 just cuz my legs aren't, you know, they they're not growing back.

Jessica Long14:01

Yes. Yeah. And they measure. So I have I've competed against people with two legs and their arms are pretty high and they found ways to make sure it's equal and um so that's why they do all the bench tests and they measure and they watch how you swim and they see all sorts of stuff.

Jessica Long14:17

So I have competed against others other bilaterals which I love like for the longest time I never saw another like bilateral specifically. And and bilateral is two legs.

Two legs missing. Yeah.

Jessica Long14:32

Yeah. Yeah.

Jessica Long14:37

Yes. And it's really important to note, right? So up until this point, up until I found out about the Paralympics at the age of, I think 11, I never wore shorts. I don't think I even owned shorts because I was just so sick of people staring. And it wasn't just always like kids staring. It was adults that would stare on point. And my parents, I'm feisty. Like I remember one time being in the grocery store and telling my mom I was going to go march up and talk to them.

She's like, "Just let it go." You know, she's a very different personality than me.

But I didn't like when people stared. And I because I didn't feel I knew there was something wrong with me, but I knew I was different than the world.

But I also didn't really understand. I didn't like being stared at like a zoo. I was like, I'm just a person. I have these legs. They're my legs just like you wear shoes. So when I showed up to my very first parolympic meet, it was before the Paralympics, so we had trials and everything.

I went with my dad down to the pool deck and I remember seeing people without arms and legs and wheelchairs. And this was huge for me, right? Because I'd only ever seen people who were older, elderly, at my prosthetic appointments who might have lost a leg from diabetes or just didn't look anything like me, right? And it wasn't until that very first just it was a parolympic meet before I got to the Paralympics that I was like I I mean I still can remember the feeling of like I'm not the only one cuz I just thought I was the only one.

And that's so sad. Like really let that sink in like thinking you're the only one on earth who doesn't have legs. Like two like little blonde me walk on my knees. I thought I was the only one.

Jessica Long16:17

Yeah.

Jessica Long16:20

Disabil Yeah. It was a whole pool deck full of different athletes just with different Yeah. disabilities. Um I've always I mean and I remember meeting some of my best friends who were my wedding years years later, right? Just these friends for life because in a way, right, everyone needs a community. Everyone needs to feel that they belong in something. And I just remember thinking I I just felt at home like I was like my parents couldn't relate. They always said the right things. My siblings loved me.

They never treated me differently. Nobody ever treated me differently really. But when I showed up and I was swimming in this sport that I loved with people without an arm or a leg or just got to connect. I was like I'm not the only one.

Jessica Long17:01

Some of them. My two little sisters tried swimming. They were like it was the hardest sport, worst sport.

But they did it. Um but my parents were incredible. I don't know how they did it right. you know, they had four girls, two boys. I had a lot of doctor's appointments and that was prosthetic appointments, surgeries. My brother had a cleft lip who was also adopted from Russia. Um, and he got that all fixed. But they tried to make sure each kid could each kid had something they felt good at. So, even though my two little sisters tried swimming, they eventually found what they liked.

Um, I think karate and the like acting or something. But

They just did an incredible job of letting each one of us kind of find our own thing. And in a way, I still I mean I credit a lot of my success to my parents knowing nothing about the sport and allowing it to be my decision because back then my favorite word was no, right? I didn't want to do anything. People I wanted to do what I wanted to do.

Jessica Long17:52

So even during some of those tough workouts or some of those moments, right? I had a my dad I mean I just had people who constantly believed in me, right? I remember driving to swim practice before I ever won a medal or I did anything and my dad was like, "Jess, I think you're going to have a book one day and I have three." Like

I was like, "Dad, I've never I've never done anything." And my dad taught me a lot, right? Just how to dream, how to visualize, how to plan.

Jessica Long18:21

Yeah. When Hannah came, you know, I was Hannah came on their anniversary. We call her, you know, she's like, I'm the favorite. You know, she loves to talk about She came on their anniversary after they were told they could have kids for like 10 years. But when Hannah came, I think that's when my mom was pregnant with her, they would really try to explain that like Hannah's even though you didn't come this way, like they would try to explain it. And again, my comprehension was really like it was tough.

I couldn't like I would I would hear it and then I would ask again the next day and it was a constant thing with everything. And

You know, they would always just say, you know, we're so thankful that you're part of our family and and it was part of God's plan and all these things. that I would just be like why why like I didn't understand but from a very early age they talked about everything and never shied away from it but I also think and this is crazy but even being a little girl right I felt like a burden to my family I mean I remember being 2 3 years old I can remember climbing on the operating tables and the smell of the anesthesia like to this day there's certain smells that just are really painful like orange I always pick the flavor orange or the warm blanket It's like not understanding why I had to do it like being like, "Okay, it's time." Like I knew when I was giving blood,

Like another surgery was coming and I knew that the recovery was going to be so painful and I knew that I didn't have a choice because it was either the bone was going to come through and the bone came through a few times and I mean I could pull up my leg, my little nub, cuz I'm a below knee amput and I could look at my little nub and see the bone just push out and I'd be like, "Not this again." It was just really, really hard.

And again, my parents tried their best to explain everything, but I was I just didn't understand it.

Jessica Long20:22

Yeah.

Jessica Long20:22

I got through watching Pippi Longstocking. The hospital knew to have it ready. You know, the girl who believed she could do anything. And then I had strawberry popsicles.

Jessica Long20:48

Yeah. And you know what's really sad? Because years with years of therapy and stuff, I never thought I could show weak. I never showed weakness. Yeah.

My parents said that was a big thing that when my brother and I came over, we didn't cry. Like we were silent babies. Because in orphanages, the Russian orphanage, nobody comes to you if you cry. You learn to self soothe.

So they would talk about that. I think my mom said there was one time she remembers me just crying and it was like crazy. She couldn't even believe I was crying and she's like, "I think you were crying for something I couldn't give you." And it was just so hard to watch. But with everything, so in hospitals, I think the first time I reached for my dad's hand and my parents are always there. I'm just saying my dad I think I was 16 and I was in such excruciating pain and I never did stuff like that because I just I just I wanted to be tough, right?

I wanted to know show no weakness. I didn't want them to know that this was hard for me.

And I always had this idea that they were going to send me back to the orphanage, which nobody talked like that. Like to this day, my parents like Jess, what are you talking about? But I thought if I did something, I was going to be sent back. So in those moments of surgery that felt horrible, you know, I didn't want people to touch me. I didn't I didn't know how to cry.

Jessica Long21:59

So lots of therapy since then.

Jessica Long22:16

I Yeah, but I also never I don't know if I was ever in a baby stage because I was going through what adults were going through like I was I didn't play with baby dolls. I didn't want to be a baby. I was having surgeries and having adult prosthetic appointment like all these things. So okay

I was with team USA. Um so the Paralympics go about 2 weeks after the Olympics and gold, silver and bronze is awarded just like the

Olympics. I actually I brought one of my gold medals to show you. Oh yes, I definitely

Um but I was with a whole all of team USA. So I we had a whole coaching staff and we had a team of I think 35 athletes that got named to the team and me like getting named to team USA at 12 years old, you know, is such a funny story just because I'd only been swimming for 2 years. I wasn't expecting to go. I just swam with all of my heart. And I think in a way, right, swimming for me took away the pain that I felt everywhere.

It just it just numbed me. It was the best feeling, right? So the morning of the they announced the team team USA for the 2004 games.

Jessica Long23:19

Yes. So because of our classification right they have to calculate and figure it's a little bit different than the Olympics where like one two automatic.

So we were in like a just a room hotel business a room or something and my mom and my sisters decided not to go cuz they were like she's not making she's not going to make this team. Um, and we have world rankings, we have world records, like all sorts of stuff. And I I swam pretty well, but I just nobody I mean it would be my they were preparing me. They were like, Jess, it would be an amazing goal to make, you know, Beijing in 2008 when you're 16.

Like, let's aim for that. You've only

Jessica Long23:56

I was very serious. I was like, I'm going to do it. So, I just kept saying, I'm like, I'm going to make this team. I'm going to make it. So, I'm sitting there. I'm away from my dad. I'm with these new friends that I just made. And one by one, team USA gets called up. It's this big thing they get, you know, and then they say Jessica Long. And I looked at my dad.

Jessica Long24:13

It was a conference room.

Jessica Long24:17

So, it was like we competed all weekend and then it was announced and um my mom and sisters didn't come and I looked at my dad as soon as I announced my name. It was like a smile and it was just like told you so. And I went over and stood and I was the youngest to go.

Jessica Long24:43

Well Baltimore has been incredible for me right with Michael and also and Katie like we've had we have such incredible swimmers in Baltimore Maryland. So they would throw me parades and I would got I get to do it. So there were ways I got to be celebrated in my my hometown.

Jessica Long24:58

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We did a lot of events. I think we have a key to the county. I remember us doing an event there and speaking and parades and so I' I've known Katie Katie Hoff, you know, my whole life or feels like my whole life.

Jessica Long25:19

So fit."

She's the best. Um I can be as tall as I want, so that's fun. But yeah, she's the best.

Jessica Long25:30

Yes. And she was one of the first I texted as an athlete, right? Just to be like, are you swimming? How are you feel? Like, what can I do? Like it was cool.

Jessica Long25:47

I won. I won three gold. So,

Jessica Long25:55

Yeah, they're all there. I I mean they did some really cute fundraisers to make sure the whole family could go. My prostatist went.

I hadn't seen them. I mean and like

Jessica Long26:07

Until I was at the pool and I lost 10.

Jessica Long26:14

Well, I had lost like 10 lbs because the eating and the village and the food like they were like I remember them being like, "Are you being fed?" Like at the time I was like, "Yes, I'm eating, Todd." Like um and I I grew up in a very holistic family, so like I was eating Froot Loops and having a great time. And but um that was one thing they were shocked how I was so skinny.

We've been training outside. I was so tan. But um that first gold medal, I just remember being so excited to show them like it's so it was it was so fun and so tiny like the medals they were so excited and because of that performance I got named to the relay. The relay won gold and then I won the foreigner free.

Jessica Long26:56

And placed fifth in the 50 free. But uh I was just happy to have a I liked the medals. And my parents said the biggest thing when I came home is I asked to buy a pair of shorts to show my legs.

Jessica Long27:09

Yeah.

Oh, that's cool. They said it was really cute.

Jessica Long27:16

Really not wanting to listen. My mom was like, "We loved your determination in the pool, but when you had to listen and still be a 12-year-old and you didn't want to, that was pretty hard." Um, they learned really quickly what worked and what didn't. Um, the only punishment that worked, if I ever had it, you know, they took away swimming one time for two weeks when I was 14.

Jessica Long27:34

I called my mom a bad word and it was started with a B and that was it. My dad was like, "We don't have to drive you to swim practice." But, uh, no, I just I had a hard time listening. Like, I was very determined. I was with Team USA for like a month.

Jessica Long27:50

I'm winning gold and all sorts of incredible things are happening. I'm doing, you know, interviews. Um, things moved really quickly cuz two years after that, I signed with Nike. Like, things were just, it was just pretty crazy. Um, but yeah, I had a hard time being a kid.

Jessica Long29:16

There's been a I mean, it's been I mean, I've been swimming for 20 some years of my life, so I've been with some incredible people.

Jessica Long29:22

The first one was Nike.

Jessica Long29:27

Yeah. And I only I think I only got signed with Nike. I signed with Nike at 14.

Yeah. I went to world championships and at this point I had really developed as a swimmer and I had so many people who believed in me, right? Coaches who spent hours and hours on my pinky placement, my head position, how to breathe properly, how can we be swim as fast in the water without legs

Cuz I don't get anything for my legs.

So I went to world championships in South Africa and won nine gold medals.

Jessica Long29:55

So I won all seven and then the relays won two gold.

Jessica Long29:58

And that was my goal. I wrote I wrote that everywhere. My vis my dad taught me like the power of visual visualization. So I would write it in our fridge the times I wanted to go. I wrote it above my bed. I would practice I I mean I was like I'm not coming home without these medals.

So from that performance I I won an ESP award. I won the Sullivan award which was not just disabled people, right? And I never considered myself disabled. So to win the SP award for best female athlete with a disability even at 14 I remember being like I don't I'm just an athlete I don't understand.

So to win the Sullivan award I would beat out Michael Phelps Apollo Ono some huge name it was like 12 other I was the only that was the first parolympic to win parolympic athlete to ever win and they just had another parolympic athlete win Tatiana McFaten.

Jessica Long30:32

because she was also adopted from Yeah. I love Tatiana. Yeah. So we were both I was Tatiana from Russia. She was like it we've always done a lot with our stories. But from that performance I did sign with Nike and that was pretty insane.

You know

Jessica Long31:07

All of it. I remember there was a special website just for athletes that I had this allowance that I could go in and buy things for family and friends.

Jessica Long31:15

Would come and like Yeah. I mean it was so cool. I mean, being 14, this little girl adopted from Siberia, Russia, signing with Nike, Sports Illustrated, I think around that time, named me as one of the best female athletes. Like, there were all these things that were just happening. And I was like, "Wow, the harder I work, the I'm walking red carpets, I the like the more attention, more like it just felt really good and felt like I was like earning this love."

Jessica Long31:39

I couldn't stop. I mean, in one year, I had 18 world record-breaking performances. Like, I just was addicted to the the winning.

Jessica Long32:19

Yeah.

Jessica Long32:28

Yeah. It was just really wild. But, you know, I realized really quickly when I competed four years later in Beijing, right, and all I had done was win. Like, I just won one. And I just was addict like I just felt like that was how my parents loved me. It was like what I convinced myself. And it wasn't until my fourth race that I was a world record holder I was supposed to win that I got the bronze medal and I had not won this in Beijing.

This was Beijing. I'm 16. Same thing. I've been away from my family for a month.

You know I would go up and celebrate with them after you know I medal ceremony, drug testing, media cooling down like it took forever. And I have this bronze medal and now we call them our rosé medals. But at the time I was like they don't want to see this. Like this was a failure. Like I was supposed to bring home seven gold medals at the Paralympics cuz the nine world the nine golds were from world championships. So I remember trying to muster up the courage to bring this medal up to show them like how could they be excited?

They've only seen gold you know I think I'd won three gold up until that point

And I was supposed to win this race. It was the 100 brushstroke. Like my teammate won gold and I think broke my world record. And I finally got the courage and again right I didn't cry in front of my parents. They never saw I'm so tough all the time. So tough. And I honestly needed to be grabbed in a hug and told to cry. And they could tell I was getting really emotional and they're like I mean and in China everyone wanted to see the medal and they were like all the a like the people were so exc I was with them everyone.

So they they realized I was getting emotional. People were coming up asking for pictures and they pulled me into a stairwell. I sat down and I was really upset and you know I was supposed to win and they're so excited and I was like I just couldn't believe it and I think I just said you know I like choked up the I was like do you guys like do you guys still love me and from adoptive parents like right even you thinking like they were like what they were like what do you mean I was like do you guys still love me with this and I'm holding my bronze medal and they were shocked they were like Jess what are you talking like nothing they couldn't understand that I was even asking like I never even really asked this question before.

That was a big moment for a family, you know? I was so upset with that performance. I I was supposed to win seven gold and I won four and I came home and I was like, I'm retiring. I did. My parents were I mean, I think they're so I I can't imagine what they felt cuz they must have just been laughing and giggling cuz I didn't go to swimming for a couple months. I said I was a retired athlete at 16, still signed with Nike. Um, but that was the best thing about my parents.

They allowed me to go through every emotion and take my time. And by the new year in 2007, I decided to turn failure into fuel and decided I was never going to feel that pain again. At least try not to.

Jessica Long35:13

Yeah.

Jessica Long35:20

Yeah. So I moved out to the Olympic and Parolympic training center in Colorado. And prior to that, you had been training at the North

I

Jessica Long35:30

That came 2016 I trained with Olympic athletes and that's a that's a fun story but um at this point I was just training with my coach who still coaches me somewhat to this day. He's kind of like my life.

Jessica Long35:50

Yes.

Jessica Long35:52

So hard. so hard. I mean, I'm 18. And I think around this time, right, I was really becoming more curious about my birth mom

And, you know, I'm a leap here baby, so I knew 2020, 2012, I was going to have an actual birthday. But I think for me, you have to know that like training for me

Was a way to numb everything, right? I didn't have to like every day I'm in physical pain with my legs. It will never go away. I have a very high pain tolerance, right? I've heard that my whole life, but I'm like, I don't I don't know anything else, right? I walk on my two bones. But for me, training was a way to just escape all the pain, right? The pain emotionally, the pain physically, the pain mentally. And I mean, I I wanted to train to the point where I was just when I was done training that day, I was so physically exhausted.

I didn't have to think about anything else. All the hard stuff and just be tough, right? That's what I wanted to be. So, training was hard. Like I just I mean swimming is hard, right? 2 three-hour practices in the morning, weight training, Pilates. We're eating food for athletes in I mean it's everything's designed to make us better. Spending time in sports medicine, shoulders ache. I mean I can remember I mean putting on the sports bra could at times be impossible,

Right? And I'm not kicking. So those two, three-hour practices are all in my arms and body position. I mean swimming for me when I swim with my body position, right? Is almost like being in a plank. like I have to tuck my ribs and have this

Body position that holds me up where I'm just right on the surface of the water.

And then we would do doubles,

But I loved I mean I I didn't feel anything. And I remember that year going to 2012, right before I found out about my birth family that on my my birthday, February 29th, so leap year was the day I always thought my birth mom thought of me. I remember my coach. I did a get out swim and I did like a birthday swim and I remember jumping in and being like this is for you my birth mom and I remember thinking really starting to think about her right before that game.

My life has been in these moments of four. Every four years I'm trading for something. Every four years I have a defining moment if you

Jessica Long37:59

Yeah. So this was pretty wild. So we had just started the idea of thinking about a documentary to find her. So I knew her name was Natalyia. I knew she named me Tatiana and my Russian name is Tatiana Olgo Nikiraovva and up this was pretty big right because up until this point I didn't want to talk about my birth mom I didn't I just didn't know how to feel right and I was just always numb training just numbed me so I had welcomed the idea to a documentary and then and I didn't want my parents to know I wanted to find her I almost felt like that was really pain like I didn't want them to know I was cur like I don't know why I think looking back I was always trying to protect they're feeling like which is they can't even believe some of the stuff that I tell them right they're like Jess what we didn't know

But I did a interview with a Russian um reporter and while I was competing in London I didn't know didn't didn't give permission the Russian reporter from that article I did that summer in 2012 went and found her like literally took this art like went and found my birth mom you can find some of this stuff on YouTube like the first time my birth mom sees me and just being told about, you know, the daughter that she gave up at 16. You know, she was 16 and she gave me up.

Couldn't take care of a dis.

Jessica Long39:14

Yeah. It's all like, it's crazy these.

Jessica Long39:20

Yeah. Yeah. So,

Jessica Long39:22

The video that I remember her just being like this, you know, just so shocked. And years later, I found out that I race a lot of Russians in my races, my 200 IM especially. And I found out years later that my birth mom's sister Natalyia who or Natiana who I'm named after knew who I was as Jessica Long because she was watching the Russian that I was swimming against. Like she's had seen me compete somehow and found out years later that I was actually her niece.

Like crazy like this weird connection. But um yeah, the Russian reporter went and found her and I didn't know. I found out the start of the Paralympics. I was in Germany at a training camp. My parents for the London Olympics. Yes. They were getting emails the USOPC the head of they were finding out they were like we don't want to tell Jessra before her biggest competition right it was my fourth Paralympics my third Paralympics

Jessica Long40:13

London yeah they were like let's tell her after she's done competing but they were also messaging me I had tried googling her before like I had tried finding her I couldn't find anything so I'd always been curious about her in fact when I was younger I would look in the mirror and try to figure out who I look like right because I don't look like my Like

I mean for I mean I would stare at myself and my parents sometimes be like Jess okay enough staring at yourself in the mirror and it wasn't until years later that I was like I was trying to figure out I just wanted to see what I love like these thoughts.

But um yeah they went and found them for me. I raced nine events I always swam more than anyone.

Jessica Long40:46

And nine days straight which was so hard. I mean on day four I remember being so physically exhausted I like felt like I couldn't move and I broke down. I was like how am I going to do five more days of this cuz it's such an intense every night's drug testing. every night's cooling down every night. Like, it's this so exhausting.

And I was off the final day, day 10. And I remember really realizing that that really was probably my birth family. And they wanted me to go on a Russian TV show and fly back from London to Russ or fly from London to Russia. And emotionally, I just couldn't. I was just so exhausted. So, I went home to Baltimore. My parents said I slept I think for like 16 or 17 hours, something crazy.

Jessica Long41:23

And then when I woke up, I remember my mom made a really big breakfast and we talked a little bit about it. and do I want to meet them? And then a year later, NBC approached us to do a documentary

Jessica Long41:34

Yeah. You talk about like the other side of hard. That was my hard. That was my hardest thing I did, right? You have I mean opportunities don't just come like there's a reason that came, right? This opportunity to meet them.

Jessica Long41:48

I was 21.

Jessica Long42:22

I had a hard time watching it. It was the hardest thing I ever did

Jessica Long42:33

Yeah. I went over with my sister Hannah who was the miracle baby.

My mom at the time I remember her saying something like just she didn't want to go and that was really hard for me. My mom in Baltimore.

Jessica Long42:44

And later I found out she said, "Jess, I just couldn't be the support that you needed cuz you were my baby. You know, I've had I just it was too hard for her at the time." interesting.

And I remember at the time being like confused by that cuz I was like, "This is just about me." Like, "It's not about you." Like now I'm like, "Oh my gosh, Jess, I can't imagine what my mom was feeling." And my dad didn't have enough days off work.

I forget why. Like he just I all of my competitions, right? He spent so much of the time traveling with me. So I took Hannah, who was amazing. But I went over with the team,

Jessica Long43:17

The whole team. Yes. And it's so crazy looking back cuz I I wasn't really prepared. Like I I don't I well before this though I had started training with Bob Bowman and Michael Phelps and those were the hardest practices I've ever done. So I even remember walking up to Bob Bowman and being like is it okay if I take a week off and him being like why would you ever like confused right and I was like to meet my birth family. But um that's a crazy those are cool stories with Michael and stuff but it was the hardest thing I ever did.

I went all over Russia just to get to Russia was hard. We had so many delays and the moment I touched down because all of my story was being shared because there was a new band with adoption. They cut the like they put a new law in. So like people knew my story was a positive one and I just competed in the Paralympics. I'm watching I communicated with my family for a year

And I was scared to love them. I remember that. And I found out that my this was really hard for me. I found out that my birth mom married my birth father. Never occurred to me that was going to be the case. And even my dad, I remember him taking me out when I was packing up to leave, like move out of the Olympic training center. He just said, "Jess, like the only thing we were so worried about was just what if they didn't want to see you too?" Like, as you we're your parents, we want we're here to protect you and love you and all these things, but like it was just something we didn't we never anticipated that like they would marry each other.

So, she was 16 when she had me, married him. I was the oldest. They always planned back they planned to go back and get me. That was crazy. So they, my birth mom said she wanted to get me at the age of three, but got word I was already adopted. Like there's all these crazy things. But when I went over there with them, it was the hardest thing. So I I we landed

Jessica Long44:56

Yeah. Crazy.

And we I I went right to workout and I went on the elliptical for 3 hours. Hannah, who has just been my like s like love my little sister Hannah so much, who's always been there for my scariest emotions, my deepest raw feelings. Um, she pulled up a chair next to the elliptical. The elliptical was the thing I could do with my legs. So, it worked. And she opened up a book and I just was like, I don't want to talk about it. And I'm working out.

I was like, what if she doesn't want to see me? Like, it never occurred to me that maybe my birth mom didn't want to see me, right? Cuz I was training with a new training group, literally all Olympians. It was the first time I had ever trained with Olympians. So, my mind, it was just so difficult. I couldn't think. I let NBC film or do everything with my agent. I was like, "Take care of it all. I don't really want any involvement with the planning." So, it was the first time as soon as we landed, I just was like, "Maybe she doesn't want to see me." Like, I never even thought of that.

Like, I just felt like maybe I shouldn't be here. But 3 hours, I worked out for 3 hours. And then went back to the room that we first went to the orphanage I was adopted from and I met the woman who handed me to my dad, Steve. And that was really hard cuz it was in that moment that it's like, "Oh, my whole life I've convinced myself that they didn't really love me." And I was like, "Oh my gosh." Like to come all this way. Like you just I never thought about them.

My parents still be I mean they were 31. They were in the early 30s. I'm 34.

Jessica Long46:22

Right. So was that hit me really hard. Like if you watch the documentary, it's called A Long Way Home. And that's when I started to tear up in front of the camera. I was like,

Jessica Long46:31

Oh yeah. So they can watch it I think on Peacock or YouTube.

Jessica Long46:36

A Long Way Jessica. Long A Long Way Home.

Oh, that's a cool name. And then from there we went we did so I met I I went to that orphanage. We went to another orphanage like a really disabled orphanage that was really hard to see. Donated some equipment with NBC and then we took an 18-hour train ride to their little village

Jessica Long46:56

In Siberia

Jessica Long46:59

Yes. And I didn't pack like enough snacks. Like Hannah and I were so unprepared. Like when I tell you I wasn't involved with a planning, I didn't I was that 18 hour train was like I mean it was so long

Jessica Long48:04

Yeah it's hard

Jessica Long48:13

I don't know I still maybe I should I'm like why do we do that there was a reason

Jessica Long48:18

But

Jessica Long48:24

Well even okay so that was even crazy right because Russia was threatening to take my birth mom and my birth sister and separating them so we couldn't see them. NBC was dealing with all this crazy stuff because they wanted their TV cameras to film it, too. And NBC was like, "No." But we found out later that my family had this financial deal with like Russia One TV.

Jessica Long48:42

So NBC protected me a lot. I didn't know what was happening that

Jessica Long48:49

I don't know. I just remember there being so much

Jessica Long48:53

It was They wanted to tell the story. It was the first time, but everywhere that I went,

I mean, there were crowds of people in cameras that was becoming. Yes. So, the morning of the morning that we were going to drive to their little village, they had this like other car that the reporters thought was I was in and drove off. Like, it was more than I would have ever imagined me. It wasn't just like I got to meet her. It was like my story had taken off in Russia. They still believe I'm there. Like, Russia still believes I'm like there.

Jessica Long49:21

Yeah.

And what happened with Putin? I remember I had to give him a statement because my adoption story was positive. So like I was coached with the USOPC, the United States Olympic parolympic committee and my dad just like what to say back like why adoption is great and that this ban was really sad and like I am a positive story but everywhere I mean I walked into my hotel but the night before the night before I met her and I mean hundreds of people like it was my story had gone it was really crazy.

So I wake up the next morning.

Jessica Long49:54

No, I didn't.

Okay. It was just a statement statement. He knew I was there. Cameras were

Jessica Long50:00

I don't I remember being so out of it, right? Like this was the hardest thing I'd ever done.

So I don't remember. I just remember being like I was home when I gave the statement.

Jessica Long50:09

I remember being like sitting with like my like oh here's what I It is a good thing. Adoption is a beautiful thing. But that morning it was another 3 hours to their village.

Oh my god. So my sister said I she thought we were like I don't know. She said she was showering and came out. I just had passed out the night before. I mean emotionally I was just so exhausted.

Jessica Long50:29

Um so we we drove the 3 hours. We stopped at a little coffee place like on a random road like all wood and then we drove up into front of their purple house. People were on roofs. Cameras are on roofs.

Jessica Long50:44

In front of their Yeah. their fence. You don't see any of that in the documentary. But I was just like, what is happen? Like this was not how I envisioned meeting my birth family for the first time. And I had been communicating with them for a year. So like I I kind of had gotten, you know, I knew little things here and there and sent them pictures. And I had to wait in the van for an hour as they went and set up. So I called my family back home.

You know, we do family dinners once a week. They were it was like a family dinner night. You know, time zones all completely off. And I was like, I'm about to go meet them. I just remember being like reapplying my lipstick a lot. like just feeling so nervous. And the song I kept replaying was Preacher by like One Republic that was like on repeat. I don't know. It just was a song that calmed me down. And then I will never forget NBC. Um the guy um amazing or got he might have been the Matt Allen was like, "Are you ready?" He came over, opened up the van.

So I got out, I took Hannah's hand. I was like, "Don't fall." Like whatever you do, don't fall. I'm walking on ice and snow and two prosthetics. And we walk down their purple house and you can hear them crying inside like there's to so many cameras, tons of people. I don't even know where to look. I'm just like, "Okay, here we go." So, I'm walking with Hannah's arm. They come out of the back door. I turn the corner and she's crying and she just comes right up to me and hugs me.

And hugs were hard for me. Like, I didn't just hug people. Yeah.

You know, physical touch, all these things my whole And I

Remember being like, "Oh my gosh, she's hugging me. There's tons of people filming." The first thought that went into my head was just like, "Oh my gosh, like this is my birth mom. Like, this is her." And I knew in that moment, as angry as I'd been my whole life, for being born different, for having surgeries that were so painful, for being put in this family that I loved, but nobody asked me, you know, all these feelings and thoughts in that moment, and being so mad at her, my birth mom.

I just remember thinking in that moment, this moment like just like, I forgive her. I don't know why. I just I forgive her. I can forgive. Like I'm allowed. Like even though she put me up for adoption, like there's this power and forgiveness. And I just remember feeling like this anger that I had felt my whole life just almost just kind of like released.

And she kept touching my face and she knew it was me, my hair. Um

Jessica Long53:04

Yeah.

Jessica Long53:07

She can't forgive. She like could not forgive herself. And my dad's my birth father's crying.

My sister Anastasia. Um, she was there as well in the shot and I talked to her. I was really excited to have a sister like an it took me a long time to adapt to like a birth father cuz my dad Steve from Baltimore is so incredible and I couldn't I didn't think ever about having another sister and a brother like the set of twins that my birth mom has. That took me a long time to adjust to.

Jessica Long53:36

Now I don't even know. I mean,

Jessica Long53:39

They were younger. They maybe 16.

Jessica Long53:41

I was 21. I was the oldest.

Jessica Long53:48

Yeah. It was So, we went in and had lunch

Jessica Long53:52

In their little house that later I realized people put all these props up in it. I didn't know. So, they had pictures of me on the wall. They had a TV. They had curtains. They had all these things that I just was like assumed it was theirs.

Yeah. And the more digging that I would do, I think all this is on YouTube, right? Like I found out that the Russia one TV placed all these items in their house, like that was hard because there's this feeling of guilt, right? Like I have so much and I've been given this crazy, incredibly life, a life that I've worked so hard for. And I mean, they had a picture of me on the red carpet from the SPS in their wall and I was like,

Jessica Long54:25

I I didn't like I think it was like it was wild. But um I took off my legs for them. They couldn't believe it. We spent this moment where my birth mom and my birth sister and I looked in the mirror and we have the same color eyes. So I have like green eyes with a gold band. And I don't again have never looked like my family in Baltimore.

And that was really special to know that all those years when I stared at myself in the mirror that I really was I really looked like them. And I remember her touching my leg, like my little nub. I couldn't believe how it all worked. We left pictures of myself and um I think we left him a book or something. But I only did it for 3 hours. I don't know why. Like that was pretty it was a really quick visit.

Jessica Long55:12

And then I got back into the van and then NBC was like, "Do you want want like a minute with them by yourself?" I was like, "Yeah, I do." So I went back in. I think we traded jewelry. So, I gave her one of my rings and she gave me one of her rings and it was just I mean it was wild and then I had to say goodbye.

Jessica Long55:30

Three Three translators.

Jessica Long55:36

Yeah.

Jessica Long55:41

I think she just kept saying like she couldn't forgive herself and she kept saying people like people shouldn't have done what I did. And I was like it's okay. Like I tried to be like I like in a way I was like comforting her like it's okay like I'm 21. I mean nobody how do you prep and prepare to meet your birth family? But I remember her just feeling like saying she couldn't forgive herself and I'm like I am here. I forgive you. I don't have to.

I have every reason to be a victim, to be upset, to be angry with you, to even I mean, I don't have to, but I never thought of you hurting all the same time that I was hurting, all the same time that I thought of you on every birthday. And she even talked about that, you know, she's like, "When do you celebrate your birthday?" And I was like, "Oh my god, my whole life." She really was thinking about me when I didn't have a birthday on, you know, leap year.

But yeah, it took a lot of strength, probably the most strength I've ever had to have to say like, "Yeah, I forgive you." to her face.

And think about how many people in this world don't forgive. How many people still need to forgive?

Jessica Long58:03

Yeah. Yeah. No, I wouldn't. I

Jessica Long58:06

No. And it's such a hard right cuz Yeah. I would love to not be in pain. I would love to for things to be easier, but I just wouldn't have the life that I I mean, I've traveled the world. I've met people. I love my f like there's so much good. And one thing my my husband said one time, he said, "Jess, like I think if you had legs, you literally wouldn't need anything. Like you wouldn't need if you had like it's almost like this reminder that it's okay to ask people for help.

It's okay to be vulnerable." And there's power in I was never vulnerable until I started therapy. And that came later on in my life.

And you're right, people relate. Like I would much rather hear about your struggles like and I like my medals. I don't even I think they're in a storage unit like it was never about the medals for me but they give me this platform and this story and they show hard work but more than anything and maybe it's being adopted

Is when I meet someone right I I am so like I love realness I can't sometimes just like small talk I'm like okay what's really going on I want you to love all of me

Know all of Jess the good the bad the tough the ugly

And maybe that's an adoption thing

But there's so much more to me than the medals Right. It just gave me the voice that like the little jump start and some of my favorite things and moments are like I do a lot of public speaking too and go and share my story and literally like my entire when I can like the word that comes to mind for me that I want in my life is purpose right I think we all want to have some purpose what is our purpose why are we here right these questions that we ask ourselves and I've just always wanted purpose to share like this there's a reason that I have this story and the toughness that not everyone can do it's hard there's a lot of tough moments and hard moments that people don't always get to see, you know, they see the success, but being able to share my story and have people line up to talk to me after and tell me their deepest dark

Like, right, I'm sure you've experienced that and you're like, you're trusting me with this information. Like, what an incredible feeling and the power of our stories that we can connect through just this thing called finding purpose.

Jessica Long1:00:48

I don't know. I think for me with the medals, it's I always felt like if I wasn't enough without one, I'll never be enough with one. M

And that took a long time to learn. And

I know the pain that I felt or the failures that I felt if I didn't get the gold. And I trust like I I will be very tough when people like question if I'm even a good athlete, which is why I went and trained with Olympic athletes, right? I was tired of people telling me,

"Oh, you're an Olympian." And I'd be like, well like yeah, like I'm a Paralympian, which is the same thing. We're team USA, but like I could immediately tell when people were disappointed like, "Oh, you're not really you're not." So that's when I went and trained. Crazy for someone to think that

Michael Phelps and all of those guys just to show that I could train with Olympic athletes.

Jessica Long1:01:32

So, after London, I came home. I started coaching some young girls to give back to my community. I was like, what do I do now? I started therapy, which was the best thing I could have ever done. And I thought therapy was going to be all about swimming. And it was had nothing to do about without with swimming. And I still to this day like you know there's so many thoughts like and so many things that are coming up with my birth mom right since I write her.

But um I just remember thinking I did an event with Bob Bowman Michael Phelps's coach life coach. I just remember being like what if I came and trained with you and tried to get to the Olympic trials as a parolympic athlete and he loved the idea. And let me tell you something training with that pro group was the I mean I mean I'm training with like 16 17 Olympic athletes. I'm the only one with no legs doing the same exact workouts. And Bob would have these meetings where you were elite athletes 365 days out of the year, you know, and I'd be like, "Oh my gosh." I mean, I would wake up, you had to be at the pool 45 minutes before practice started stretching and being prepared and memorizing the workout and then behind the blocks like 10 minutes prior, hit ready to go.

But I couldn't have a bad day. And my training went I mean I was swimming 10 swim practices in six days 55 to like 60 miles of swimming which is

Jessica Long1:02:47

I mean I would go to bed at like 7:30 8 but I just remember thinking that I represented so much even for them to show them that like par athletes can do it and that I was tired of being called a like oh you you're not as good as the Olympic athletes. But I'll never forget there was this one workout we called it the turkey burner. It was after Thanksgiving and for whatever reason I just I normally could finish with the girls or the distance group or whoever I was with.

Um the girls were often distance groups sometimes and I just I was so tired and I was like the last one out. Finally finished but like I was like I'm not going to not finish this set. So I finished a set. It was like an 8,000 IM set or something and my legs are over on like a bench and everyone's already out heading to weight training and I like waddle over to my legs and Michael just like got really low and gave me a big hug and he calls me JLo, Jessica Long and he's like, "You did it JLo.

You did it." And I was like, "Thank you." But yeah, I never have to question if I'm as good as them. And that is where Katie swam. She swam at that pool for a while.

Jessica Long1:03:48

No, I missed her. I mean, I I love Katie's story and journey and and how she's coming back into, you know, swimming and stuff, but we missed each other at that point.

Jessica Long1:03:59

So, it was this gets even crazier. That was Rio.

Jessica Long1:04:03

So, what I think happened here, I think all of the therapy really opened up a lot and I developed a really bad eating disorder.

Jessica Long1:04:11

And just wanted control. And what happened was I took a month off of swimming and then Bob went to Arizona so I stayed back in Baltimore. So my training group I had everything got turned upside down even though I did everything right. Right. And I think that's important in life. You can sometimes do everything that's right. But I was just burned out. So for me going into the 2016 games even though I trained with an Olympic team and I I I just felt so unprepared. I was just like I don't want to be here.

Like I'm t I've won the gold. Right. And I ended up just not eating as a way I think to control. Right. Sometimes I love control. It's relinquishing control. It can be really hard. And I just I had two bad shoulder injuries. I don't know how I had to go with a different coach. That wasn't my plan because Bob left. I bought a place

And Bob went to Arizona. It was just not going to work out for me to go to Arizona. So I stayed back in Baltimore. So my whole plan was just even though I trained with them for a couple years, it was back like my family's in Baltimore, everything. So

I didn't follow. But I just remember feeling so confused and lost. Actually, I started therapy after Rio in 2016. Yeah. I didn't from the time that I met my birth mom to after Rio I never dealt I never talked to anyone about what I experienced in the forgiveness so I wasn't really angry but I was getting through these insane workouts but um but yeah it was just it was a tough one I won one gold medal on the last day and I was supposed to win a lot and was just tired burned out

Jessica Long1:05:36

I did yes

Jessica Long1:05:40

Tokyo

Jessica Long1:05:42

So which was the pandemic and everything

Jessica Long1:05:45

Yeah.

Jessica Long1:05:47

That was hard. I got married in 2019.

Jessica Long1:05:53

Yes. I would have been such a It would have been a I would not have been a good co bride. No.

So, but all these amazing So, I worked so hard in my therapy from 2016 to 2019. You know, met Lucas in 2015, right? It was everything just the timing of it. People noticed a difference in me, right? I was opening up and being vulnerable. and I end up marrying Lucas and then Toyota filmed a Super Bowl commercial with me um

Jessica Long1:06:19

In South Africa right when CO was happening like everything so all these amazing things are starting to happen and I'm finding myself again in the sense of like I'm not struggling with food it was just a season I'm still I still see my therapist that I I mean for 10 years I mentioned her in the book

Jessica Long1:06:38

That was crazy so it's my literal like life story I'm swimming through my memories of like the orphanage.

They had cribs that they imported from some orphanage. The little baby that plays me was half Russian. I swam the one day I think for like 13 hours just to get all the shots. And then the one shot at the end where my parents get the phone call that I'm going to be theirs. At the very end, I I think we only filmed it twice or something because I when I did it, I put myself in that position where I look up and I remember thinking like, oh my like it was all the it was just such a special moment, but I remember thinking like when they said we can't wait to meet her, I was like, oh my god, like that smile that you see at the end of that commercial was so genuine and they were like we got it.

Like we don't even have to do it again. But what I originally found out with like Toyota was they were going to try to have it and they were 4 days short of submitting it to the Super Bowl in 2020. And I remember being like, "Oh, like that's so pain." Like such a cool thing to know.

And then they surprised me the following year and had it in 2021, which is when we competed.

Jessica Long1:07:36

But um I think just the biggest thing around that time was just doing the hard work, which was therapy. Showing up even when I didn't want to like knowing that I love the sport and I didn't want to be bitter with the sport that gave me so much.

Jessica Long1:07:52

Fifth. Yes. And the final one will be LA. What's the most anyone's ever competed in?

Um, so there's pair of athletes who do winter and summer.

Jessica Long1:08:01

So they can I mean sometimes I'm like, "Oh my god." Like I was not a winter athlete. Um,

Jessica Long1:08:12

That's insane.

Jessica Long1:08:27

It's a lot. Yeah. So, mentally, right, physically, emotionally, like

I've as an athlete have learned, you know, to perfect my routine and mental toughness and vis like I've had to learn all these things.

Jessica Long1:08:42

Tokyo was good. I won three gold, two silver, and a bronze.

Jessica Long1:08:46

Super Bowl commercial. Did well, but I just struggled with post blues after, right? A lot of I mean that happens in life, right? How'd you deal with it?

Not well. I struggled. I went from moving out to the Olympic training center again. I got married, left my husband, but I just really struggled.

Jessica Long1:09:08

Yeah. No, love him. Still married, but I left to train. Um, but I came home and just I would say drank a lot of wine. Didn't know how to cope. Didn't know what to do. I didn't want to swim. I just trained so many so often.

Jessica Long1:10:32

"No, it feels really I haven't really talked about it much before. Let's get

But um I just was really bored. I would say boredom is not something that I could I'm not good, but I'm bored. I know that I will always have to swim or just just swimming has always been so good for me.

Jessica Long1:10:55

But everyone was celebrating, right? Like I was I had had this Super Bowl commercial that was played all year.

Jessica Long1:11:00

So people knew who I was in the airport. People knew who I remember sitting on a plane and someone at the very end was like, "Loved your Super Bowl commercial." And I was like, "Oh my gosh, I did not." Like I had never had that type of recognition.

Jessica Long1:11:34

Well, that's why I'm here, right? My husband reached out. He was reading your book. That's right.

And he couldn't believe that you responded. And when we talked on the phone prior to this and you said, "Who am I not?" Like, of course I was going to I just thought that was really cool.

Jessica Long1:11:47

But no, that meant a lot to my husband. I mean, just that you responded. It's important to resp like the stories. But yeah, you're right. Post Blues everything dipped. One minute I'm being celebrated and I after the games, right, there was so much celebration happening and so much like just excitement and drinks and everything. But like I have a very addictive personality and I think especially was dangerous when I was sad and I didn't couldn't recogn recognize my sadness because it was like Jess you just had this most successful year.

You're still doing it. You're still winning somehow. Like

Right you're still and I and every time I would win at this point like I would be so grateful in Tokyo I would be like I cannot believe I'm winning. Like I'm just literally trying my absolute best and I'm still good. Right. It's been years. So I go from being surrounded by all these athletes and success and all the to just all of a sudden me being at home by myself all day and again I just didn't know how to handle it. So like it wasn't like it it would start slow but I just would get myself ros if I cook dinner or

Jessica Long1:12:44

Oh not till like late like dinner but I just do everything in excess right I do it to the max.

Jessica Long1:13:07

No, I didn't. I was like, "That's borderline." Like to me, that was crazy to drink. Or I didn't need that. I could still run around and get my like I had I was doing things, but I was just struggling. So,

Jessica Long1:13:17

Yeah. I loved wine. Or I would meet friends and we would just It was just a lot. Yeah.

And um my husband worked in DC at the time so I didn't see him throughout the day and then weekends he would coach

So I was just alone a lot and now we've talked a lot about it since but it was just a very slippery slope. And then what happened with the pandemic it was 3 years in between Tokyo and Paris. So I didn't have this four-year cycle. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know if I wanted to had kids in that time. Right? That's only three years. I did I didn't know how to make a I was just so lost. And like for me, right, I've never taken the easy way out.

So it was kind of silly. I mean, I was raised in a family that doesn't drink, right? My parents don't drink. Like, it's not like it was in my life. So, it was just a slippery slope. But over those four years, like, if you really look back at Jessica, like me, right, when you talk about I didn't like it got to a point at the very end where I was like, I don't really want to keep doing like living. I was like, I hate this. I don't like what I've become.

Yeah. So, what you see over time, if you really look back at pictures, is a lot of me being bloated from drinking, struggling, not wanting to deal with my even though I was showing up to therapy, just struggling. And when I got to the year of 2024, my final games, the one I recently did, I was like 25 30 lbs heavier. And I'm like, I have 8 to nine months to figure this out. Like, you are going to have to get up on those blocks and compete, Jess.

And somehow I did it. and I won two gold, but well, not without a lot of struggle and pain and figuring it out. And then there was just a moment um I just was so fed up. I couldn't live life like that anymore. I was just I didn't like the way I looked. I didn't like that I was taking somewhat the easy way out at times. And I just stopped and I have no desire. I've mean but that's like me with like I mean I can be addicted with ice cream or like one time I was addicted to oatmeal like weird stuff like oatmeal.

I ate it for like six months. Like I've always had these weird food things where I do it for like obsessively and I just stop. So I think what is it? May 15th. It's just like 500 days sober.

Jessica Long1:15:13

I don't think I'll ever drink again. I don't know. And it's weird cuz I'm like I never went to any meetings. I just I knew it was a slippery slope. I knew I didn't see any like little blond like blondes who looked like me who were struggling, right? Like it's not talked about enough. It would all started from a post blues and I had a successful year. So it was always confusing. I had no confidence. I'm like me. I always had confidence. Swimming gave me confidence.

Sport gave me confidence.

So, and I've never really I haven't really talked about it, but I knew that if I kept doing what I was doing, I was never going to get the life that I wanted.

Jessica Long1:15:44

So, literally and it was amazing to see. I took up Pilates. I showed up to Pilates every single day for like literally loved it. And school when I went sober.

Jessica Long1:15:55

I I've always done Pilates, but yeah. Yeah, I would swim and then do Pilates. So that's kind of what I'm even doing now with being pregnant. But I knew I wanted a family and I knew I wanted I wanted more for my life.

And it was hard to be like, well, she's Jessica Long, the gold medalist, Super Bowl, like all these things that people had knew me to also be like, well, if you only knew how much I was struggling at night or the fights or I'm a fighter and everything that I do. So it was tough. But looking back, the amount of people that never gave up on me or checked in on me or just I mean I can recall I mean it literally was just one like in the new year I was like I'm done.

And I just I never realized I never struggled and my dad's always said just as soon as you decide to do something I just had to decide that I was done. Yeah. Life is so different and worth living and being pregnant and you know my husband and I bought a all these things I wanted for my life that was never it wasn't going to happen if I continued numbing pain that was just like Jess you've always dealt with it. What are you doing?

Jessica Long1:17:30

Yeah.

Jessica Long1:17:34

Yeah, cuz it's I mean I don't talk about this in the my book. Even the cover I know I look bloated from alcohol. Like there's these things that people don't and this is amazing even getting to share it for the first time. I'm just coming to terms with because I felt so much shame. Yeah,

Jess, what are you doing? You've done everything right. You fought hard in your life. You did.

But this was one thing that I just really was just it started because I was just really bored. I was like, "Oh, I'll just get some wine. Everyone celebrates, you know, I should be celebrating." But um really proud. But I think if anything, if you look at 2024, Jess, I just can't even believe like often my husband, we do dinners, we do once a week like date nights and stuff and he's like, "Jess, what are you just We I love I love questions and stuff." And he's like, "What are you proud of thinking it would be an accomplishment?" I'm like, "I am so proud that somehow I was able to not ruin my entire life and look back and and just regret how I live." Like, I'm glad that at 33 I was like, I'm done.

32. I was 32.

Jessica Long1:18:54

Yeah.

Jessica Long1:20:11

Yeah.

Jessica Long1:21:02

Yeah.

Jessica Long1:21:10

Yeah. And what you're just saying too with being a victim. I've never wanted to be a victim in my entire life with my legs. Victim mentalities. I don't understand it. I have a really hard time relating to people

Like that because I again you can do anything. I mean it you just have to start and that was same thing with every day I have to jump in the pool. It's the hardest part. But once I'm in I'm in. Even just starting this or every day I'm still an ampute, right? Like there's just mo like I just have never wanted to be a victim of my own life. Jumping in the pool has got to be the hardest.

Yes. And I've put in my time of 5:30 a.m. workouts to I mean, and it's freezing.

Jessica Long1:21:50

I do push

Jessica Long1:22:26

No. And even cold plunge, sometimes we get the choice between a cold tub or cooling down for 15 minutes. Yeah. And

I feel like, okay, I'll just cool down for the 15 minutes. But yes, starting for me, it's just the hardest part. But I don't know about you, but I've never regretted a workout. Really?

Jessica Long1:22:43

No,

Jessica Long1:22:47

That are free like colder than others. And yeah, it's awful.

Oh, but yeah,

Jessica Long1:22:53

No, especially competition pools are really cold.

Jessica Long1:22:59

Yes. already on nerves, so you don't feel it. But yeah,

Jessica Long1:23:19

Yeah.

Jessica Long1:23:28

Yes. There's all sorts of ways and things that they do. Paris was a little off from what we've heard. I don't kick so it didn't affect me as much where people are are utilizing the depth to kick. But yeah, there's amaz there's all sorts of crazy cool things that they can do from blocks to pool to swimsuits, all sorts of things. But honestly, at the end of the day, my top secret secret weapon is I am crazy enough to believe that I can just win every time even though I've done it or I doesn't make sense, right?

And I think that's what's always separated me as an athlete is that I just have this insane belief that I can do it.

Jessica Long1:23:59

No, I like when it hurts and burns and I I one time I had a coach who said, "Don't be afraid to go fast." He would tell me that at 22 or something or 20ome like I'm not afraid to go fast, but nothing really hurts when you're 20ome in your early 20s.

But as I've gotten older, I'm like, "Wow, I really understand that." But what made Paris so so special was the first like I had already swam two races. I didn't do well in Paris in 2024 and I'm swimming the 400 free and I could see my competitor two lanes over at like the 200 or the 300. We had one like 100 left like down and back. And what you're saying right I was like Jess the race isn't over. Like I remember thinking that like it is not over.

Put your head down. It's going to hurt. Go. And somehow I passed her on that last 50. But you do have to embrace the pain. And I've always liked the pain. But sometimes it's hard to like push through it.

Jessica Long1:25:46

I think I don't like being beat more than I like to be more than I like to win. I like to win but I don't

Jessica Long1:25:55

Yeah. Yeah. There are races that I should not have won but only won because I did not want to be Yeah. defeated. But I don't know. I'm really excited to see how LA goes.

Jessica Long1:26:10

Twins

Jessica Long1:26:15

They're fraternal. Um which is crazy cuz I never thought that I I always thought I would have girls. So to have two boys is like still crazy to me. I'm like, "Okay, I can do it." But my birth mom had twins, right? So I feel like in the way this is like I'm always tied and connected to her. That's

Jessica Long1:26:33

Not yet. I haven't been able to get a hold of her through our Instagram, Facebook. It's probably hard.

Jessica Long1:26:39

I'll send her this link translator. But yeah, I'm that was really exciting because at our first appointment they said there was only one and I was like I think there's two and then

Jessica Long1:26:50

I just felt too big. I felt all these feelings and I just my whole life I'm not kidding for the last 10 years I always felt like I was going to have twins. So, and my husband when he goes in, he's made every appointment, which is really sweet. And he said, I said before the or like 13 week sonogram, I was like, Lucas, you need to be prepared that nothing in my life has been easy, normal, like I'm the Siberian girl with no legs, right? Like, we should just plan on the odds or, you know, he's like, "Okay, Jess." And they found the first one and I said, "Could you just look over?" And she looked at me like I was crazy.

And there it was, the second one. And I looked at my husband, Lucas, and he was I have this picture of him just like in shock, but he's really excited now.

Jessica Long1:27:33

So, he's excited.

Jessica Long1:27:40

the yard." Well, we only started this whole process thinking again, I always thought I would have a girl. And for me, babies don't fix anything. But I definitely am excited for some healing that I can only understand what my birth mom went through when I have my own kids, right?

But my husband and I take walks every night

After dinner and

Finally just, you know, kids have always things things are out of my comfort zone, children, right? Can I do it? I was given up. Like all these thoughts and I was I had never seen myself as a baby.

So that was like I just assumed I was going to have girls. Um, but I never thought, you know, I I never saw myself as a little girl or as a little baby. I have pictures of me at 13 months. But it's just it made us I mean, it made me laugh that I was like, that's why we started this process and to get two little boys, but I'm like, okay, I'll have to try again for a girl. But um, but I think it's going to be probably the next wildest thing that I do.

There are things that could easily be that I didn't have to do, right? I didn't have like marriage is out of my comfort. like all these things that like adoption can easily take over can easily take over my life that like I can get into my head and say I don't need people I don't need to be loved and still continue to put up walls and be a victim and everything we're talking about but children were also out of my comfort zone and when we found out it was twins I think the lady was just like well you've been through enough resilience or you've been you're resilient clearly you got this but yeah it's just another crazy thing and to know that they'll be there

Jessica Long1:29:20

Really hard.

Jessica Long1:29:36

Yeah. got us the healthiest that I've been training Pilates this whole you know new Pilates body and then got pregnant right away and um gained x amount like lot

Jessica Long1:29:50

Right I felt right away like within a couple months I was like that's why I thought I was having twins I was like there's no way that this is normal but um cuz you the mental the thing that people nobody talks about right is I'm training and I've logged everything I love data I love my orb like I I love the data of anything to see the progress So, I've loved every workout since I found out the moment I found out I was pregnant. And that's really confusing to do all these workouts.

I've tried to do two workouts a day since I take my recovery days. But to still see your body changing and to do it with two prosthetic legs, right? And it's brought up all sorts of new feelings, right? Like these weird thoughts I've never had before, like, oh, I'm I'm disabled. Like, should I have like weird thoughts that I'm like, what are you thinking? Like, I can't even thinking these thoughts. But just to prove that like yes, your body can do it with prosthetic legs and it's going to be hard, but you only know hard.

Like I would never want an easy life, but I'm also like how am I going to do this? Like how am I going to do this? But you figure a way. And I mean I've had to be adaptable in everything in my life. You know, I used to climb on top of our counters and climb on top of the refrigerator, use tools to like you find a way. Life is adaptable. We are more adaptable than we give ourselves credit for. So to know that there's two.

I have a really great husband who will help. And definitely Lucas said, Jess, I think the thing you're going to learn through this whole process is to ask for help cuz I don't like help all the time. He's like, I think you're going to really learn to ask for help. And that's a good thing. It's okay to ask for

Where I'm like, I can do it. But uh it's going to be the next crazy adventure. And I think in a way that's what's so exciting what we're talking about earlier is when I look back at between Tokyo and Paris when I really struggled the most with my drinking, right? That was a time that I remember thinking I should have had a kid then like what were you doing? You weren't focused. So in a way Lucas is like it's amazing we having twins. It's almost like we caught right on up to some of our friends.

And in a way right I dealt with a lot of shame when I was drinking and struggling and gaining weight and living life like just confused. I was like I've done this before. Like what am I doing? So this is such a this is something that makes me really proud you know and it's going to be really hard. I told Lucas, I think there's going to be a moment that I'm going to be in the hospital and I know that my birth mom had four days with me and then decided, you know, she didn't really have a choice.

She says, I think there's going to be a moment where I feel all those feelings that I've never been able to really tap into with therapy until I'm experiencing it myself. And I said, you need to be prepared that it's going to be

I don't know what I I don't know what's going to happen in those moments, right?

To know that like how am I going to give those these little boys up, right? and the love and sacrifice that parents, you can't even imagine until you do it, right? I can't imagine the love that my parents have until I become a parent.

So, I think it's gonna be wild. It's my next crazy thing. And even just to see like, can I really do this? Can I train and compete and try to aim for LA and make the team

And you know, I've always loved the quote, hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work, right? I have all this talent. I have natural talent, but I've worked my so hard. So, we'll see. But uh I keep picturing Lucas with the two little baby boys, two-year-olds.

Jessica Long1:32:54

I love visualizing.

Jessica Long1:33:10

Yeah,

Jessica Long1:33:21

I know. If not, I'll be like, here's some. I think what I want for myself, my legacy, right, to end what I'm about to do is end my career, right, is just I want people to know that the human spirit is incredible and that no matter what your story is, you have this power and you have a purpose and that why why not you to live this extraordinary life and that you're only going to get that if you make the change and you make the decision.

But it has to be you.

Jessica Long1:33:48

And I want my legacy in swimming to be so much more than the medals, right? that, you know, she was a role model and she showed up even when she didn't want to or she never gave up, right? And we hear that a lot, but I mean I never had a choice to give up when I was climbing on the operating table. So, I just I'm really excited. I hope to leave the Paralympics better than when I entered it, right? We all want to do that.

But I'm just really excited to see it grow and to have hope hoped to have played a a role in growing this movement. But, uh, just that with or without legs, you can do amazing things and stand really tall.

Jessica Long1:34:32

A couple years ago, maybe right after it was a couple years ago.

Jessica Long1:34:42

Thanks.