Addicted at 15. NFL Star at 30.

Darren Waller1:04

I was like a percussionist. So, like drums, xylophone, like all those little percussion instruments.

Darren Waller1:38

Yeah, cuz I mean, I think even back in that time I was a nerd masquerading as like this tough uh football player, you know? Just trying to like be in with the cool crowd, but it's like those nerds that we saw before it's like they're passionate and they they love their thing and it's cool to see them have these unique niches that that they love. And uh yeah, I can appreciate that now that I'm older.

Darren Waller1:59

Uh North Cobb High School.

Darren Waller2:02

We weren't very good as a team. We were kind of like hovering around 500, but um we had a few guys that went uh Division I and we had like you know, some some solid like individual players. We just weren't too strong like in the trenches like O-line and D-line, but skill player-wise and like we'd go to 7-on-7 tournaments and be up against like the best teams in the nation. Like we were like really good at that, but we struggled like as a team when it came down to like yeah, cuz offense and defensive line really sets the the the tempo in football.

Darren Waller2:32

Yeah, my parents were on me from the jump about grades. So I was 4.0 GPA, taking AP classes, um all that like

Darren Waller2:42

My dad worked in IT.

Darren Waller2:43

He's like a data architect.

Darren Waller2:45

And uh my mom was a real estate appraiser. So she was kind of in the real estate world.

Darren Waller2:55

Yeah, and just learning more about my parents both coming from like addicted households really kind of like doing a lot for themselves like going to college and and just doing so much to set up a a different life for me and my sister than what they had as children. So I just respect them even more.

Darren Waller3:37

Yeah, yeah. It's it's it's amazing to see like yeah, it does take somebody just like start to plant those seeds and I think they were really really passionate about like us going in a different direction and I think it paid dividends because me and my sister definitely began to live different lives that are, you know, we can then pass on to um whenever I have children, my sister has a 2-year-old son, so it's just like it continue to pass down a better cycle.

Darren Waller4:03

She's uh 13 months older than me, so she's what? 30 She'll be 35 in July, so she's 34 now.

Darren Waller4:10

She's just been a mom for the last few years, but she was the uh director of sports medicine for uh University of Arkansas track and field. She's basically like the head trainer.

Darren Waller4:19

Uh she was in high school, she played uh she ran track, played volleyball, and basketball, so she was an athlete, too.

Darren Waller4:27

Uh UGA.

Darren Waller4:28

So, the rival school. Uh but you then [clears throat] went to grad school at Arkansas, and then where she met her husband.

Darren Waller4:35

And uh they're at Missis- they're in Starkville, Mississippi. My brother-in-law is a assistant AD at Mississippi State University.

Darren Waller4:41

So, she's been a mom the last couple years. I think she did uh some medical device sales

Darren Waller4:45

For a bit, but uh I think she's going to start transitioning back into finding a job again.

Darren Waller4:57

Wow.

Darren Waller5:02

Um it's different than a lot of like I feel like a lot of other schools, like guys are set up to like they'll have like you know, girls doing their homework or like, you know, like an easier path, whereas Tech, like the teachers and the professors there are like we're like, "Hey, like you guys are going to have to like earn this." Which back then it was just like, "Fuck, like those are balls." Like, you know, we're playing ball, but then like I look back now and like appreciate that.

Um it's like

Darren Waller5:26

Uh I was business major.

Darren Waller5:39

I think the foundation that my parents helped set um for us and like the the rigor like the academics in high school like helped set a good foundation going into college, but still a transition with just how good of an institution that tech is is definitely challenging and then like you know being a athlete in college is like having two jobs.

Darren Waller5:57

So it's like it's a grind to go through such a long day physically to then come home and be like damn I got statistics homework operations homework finance readings to do.

Darren Waller6:18

A college coach one of his quotes he was uh nobody wants to hear about the labor pains they just want to see the baby. That's what I remember him saying that.

Darren Waller6:29

It was big big shift a lot faster guys and then it's like you know you're in high school it's like all right like I'm one of the better guys from where I came from then you get to college and then it's like the first time you realize like everybody was that man where they came from. So it's like shifting to that and I changed positions cuz I played like a safety off the defensive back in high school and they moved me to wide receiver when I got to college so I'm like

Darren Waller6:48

Just cuz I was growing a lot over the last couple years of high school and even in the college I grew more so they saw me projecting more as like a bigger receiver body and which I appreciate cuz that helped open uh the doors for my career now but yeah just learning a new position was a whole lot and then going against guys that had been playing their positions their whole life like so it was a bit of a growing pains and just faster guys I had to get a lot stronger.

I was a bean pole in high school and so I had to you know really develop in the weight room and so it was a uphill climb like my first couple years of college but um started I feel like I was getting better every year just like incrementally 1% better and that started to pay off over you know toward the end of like my sophomore year making plays against like really good like top level competition in college and then my junior and senior year was really what gave me the opportunity to be like oh like looks like his skill set can project into the NFL.

Darren Waller7:48

Yeah, I really like starting to be like it's it could be a possibility was my junior year.

Darren Waller7:58

No, I didn't. I remember being a kid and being like like like you're talking about your kids being so locked in on football and stats and I was always watching the NFL films like the Steve Sabol productions like as a kid like binge watching. So I always like love the game and was like, man, it'd be cool to to be there and I love that, but and I always had a feel for the game, but I was like, I don't know if I'm like NFL good.

I think like I'm like I know what I'm doing, but I don't know how I really stack up. So I didn't I I had a handful of offers, but they were like really smaller Division I schools coming out of high school, so and that wasn't until like right before my senior year I got those offers. So I was thinking I might have to apply to college like a regular

Darren Waller8:35

Student, you know.

Darren Waller8:36

So I got I got enough opportunities to go to college and then in college I was just like, I want to get my school paid for and I have this opportunity to maybe, you know, get some time and carve out a role on this offense here in college, but it wasn't like I'm going to the league. Like I never really thought like that.

Darren Waller8:52

Yep.

Darren Waller8:55

I got uh I got arrested.

Darren Waller8:57

Trying to be cool with these dudes on my football team. They love going around and taking a bat and like knocking people's rear car windows out and throwing rocks and soda cans to people's house windows.

Darren Waller9:08

And it's like, you know,

Darren Waller9:11

Yeah, so I I was at ba- basketball practice one day cuz you go from like football straight into basketball. You know, and I feel like I was really finding my stride in basketball. So I'm like, you know, feeling myself. I come home from practice one day and my parents were like, yeah, the police came by the house and you need to turn yourself in at the police station and I was like, oh.

Darren Waller9:32

Yeah, my dad I think my dad had that switch, but it wasn't like much. It was like you could tell like he did a really good job of not really taking it there.

Darren Waller9:39

My mom was like super super firm. And I was you know I was definitely scared of them both and I had that fear of them both, but my mom was probably the one I was like more scared of. I think my dad was probably more of the one that would like after I got like the brunt of it from my mom, my dad would kind of be there to be like, "All right, like this is how we move forward. This is what we're going to change." Like in a more calmer manner.

So they kind of complement each other well, but yeah, they definitely had the fear from both of them for sure.

Darren Waller10:06

Nothing more than like school suspensions and like school trouble, but not like law trouble.

Darren Waller10:14

Yeah.

Darren Waller10:16

Turn myself in. I get booked. They put me in a cell and I had to like spend the night there. So it's just like

Darren Waller10:24

I think we drove like to the like Cobb County Police Station. And then like they put me in a car like in the parking lot. And there's just like this whole ordeal. I was like, "Damn, why can't we

Darren Waller10:36

Yeah.

Darren Waller10:38

Definitely scared. And plus it's like um there was probably like four other guys in the car, but it's like they got my license plate and all that stuff and it's like, you know, it's it's no snitch culture.

Darren Waller10:53

And I'm like I'm no snitch culture. I grew up I'm hip hop I grew up listening to hip hop.

Darren Waller10:58

It was like, "Yeah, it's on me."

Darren Waller11:02

Yep.

Darren Waller11:04

I ended up they have like diversion programs and like first offender programs. So it's like they were felony charges, but then it was like because I was a first offender that it was like a community service, fine, going through all these different programs. Um but you know, my parents had to fork up legal fees and

Darren Waller11:23

Stuff. Two more times.

Darren Waller11:25

Uh no, one my sophomore year of college and then one right after like 3 days after my rookie season and in the NFL.

Darren Waller12:28

Um

Darren Waller12:37

It wasn't There's probably other places in Georgia where it was more tense because it's like I went to a school where it was There were plenty of white kids, but there were plenty of black kids, plenty

Darren Waller12:47

Black Latin kids.

Darren Waller12:52

Nah.

Darren Waller12:53

I thought my handcuffs were a little tight, but

But yeah, no, I didn't necessarily feel that.

Darren Waller13:03

Uh my head coach on the basketball team, which I which I truly respected. He was like, you know, we we want to carry ourselves a a certain way and uh we don't think we're we don't think that you can be a member of this team any longer for the rest of the season. And he offered me an opportunity to come back my senior year, but I think there was like a lot of pride there and a lot of pain of like, man, y'all just kicked me off.

Like [ __ ] that. Like and I didn't go back and play, which is like if I I back, like I regret it not taking that decision because these are guys that I played with since

Darren Waller13:31

We were on the sixth grade team in fifth grade and so this is all the way up to our senior year. Like we've been playing basketball together for six, seven years at that point. I'd known these guys since elementary school.

Darren Waller13:42

Yeah, I mean there were people like trying to like speak to me but it was like by that time I was already enjoying like like I was already like a probably a year, couple years into painkillers and smoking weed for a year.

Darren Waller13:57

Yeah, my sophomore year is where the first time I had tried like little hydrocodone.

Darren Waller14:03

2011, so this is probably like '08.

Darren Waller14:10

I remember my dad did an interview for like one of the NFL stories and he said uh you know, I had these uh like uh you know, Percocet in my nightstand and I sometimes I'll check them and they look like they were just like going down. There'd be less and less when I checked. I was like, "Who's taking these pills?" And it was like I guess he started to pick up on it after a while.

Darren Waller14:47

Yeah, I was trying to do keep my cover at home. I guess not ransack completely ransack my parents' stuff. But like if I would go to like friend's house and be like, "Hey, like uh where's you guys' bathroom?" And you have like the the the medicine cabinet mirror. I would just like raid their raid or go to the kitchen and see like what what the what they got in here.

Darren Waller15:34

100%.

Darren Waller16:00

100%. I mean, I think a lot that went into it was um feel like early on in my life, like middle school uh elementary school, middle school, like once you really started getting in those social settings, it was just this pain of kind of feeling like I'm like uh not fitting in, kind of like some of the first friends I made in my neighborhood were white.

Darren Waller16:16

And it would be like uh you know, I'd go to school like kids that are like my skin color would be like, "Oh, you're not like you're not black like like the whole like not black enough kind of narrative. And then it's like I'd go to these like advanced gifted classes and I'd I'd be the only black kid in there. So, it's like I'm not black enough, but I'm representing black people in this class, I'm the only one in here. And then it's like I get to around like people on the sports team, like cooler guys, like I'm more of a nerd.

And then it's like but if I'm with like more nerds, it's like I'm too like much of a jock, and it's just like

Darren Waller16:45

And that pain of just like, "Dang, like I just want to like be like a part of the group and not be like pointed out for."

Darren Waller16:51

And so that's where I feel like a lot of the pain, like negative belief systems, I guess, started to to form, and those kind of just became like the running narrative in my head, and to kind of like shut that off and escape from that pain, that awkwardness, it was just like, you know, I'd pop a couple hydrocodones, and I felt great. I felt like I could talk to people, and felt like I could you know, if if there was something I needed to do to be accepted and be more cool, I'd feel like less scared or anxious about doing it.

I'd do whatever.

Darren Waller18:14

Right.

Darren Waller20:45

No, I didn't.

Darren Waller20:57

Yeah, no, it definitely picked up. I think the drinking picked up more than anything. I mean, I'm probably in college you probably drinking like four or five days out of the week. Um, and I didn't it able like to act fine like the painkillers as much in college so it was just like I was just drinking and smoking weed probably pretty much every day.

Darren Waller21:17

Yeah, so we would like we had like a

We would go to like our friends houses and feel see what we could find. And then we would and then we would see and then I'm just like aware of like what's going on in school so it's like if I saw somebody with that was on like crutches or had like cast I'd be like hey like I don't want to like make this anything but like I don't know if you're like using all your painkillers but like I'll pay you if you want to make some money like just so I can have some and they'd be like you know they'd put them in the mailbox at their house or um, you know, find a way to to do that as well so it would be like

Had a routine of doing [ __ ] like that.

Darren Waller21:59

Yeah, I don't know if [snorts] I just could didn't find the right people or what what not but yeah I was just like ah [ __ ] I can just smoke an extra blunt.

Darren Waller22:08

Yeah.

Darren Waller22:11

Yeah, I mean there was dudes on the team dudes at like we had some teammates that were at like frat houses so it was like yeah dudes in the frats would have all that going on so

Darren Waller22:21

Nah, I consider myself like an honorary member because like Thursday night in college was like the frat night so you'd be like going to like frat parties on like every Thursday night getting smashed.

Darren Waller22:32

Being on the football team and having school and everything is like having a frat commitment on top of that would just be wild.

Darren Waller22:44

We was like we was like really like honorary members so like at least like once a week we'd be all the way up through there yeah.

Darren Waller22:51

Yeah, my sophomore year.

Darren Waller22:52

I think it was like Memorial Day weekend almost and I was back home around near where I grew up and I was smoking at a spot that I used to always smoke at and I was like hot boxing my car at night. I don't know if somebody saw me if somebody saw me from the house from their house or whatever.

Darren Waller23:07

Uh I was with like a homie of mine.

Darren Waller23:09

And um so I'm just like I'm smoking in the car just like we just chilling like listening to music like just talking or whatever. A cop car just swoops up and I'm like, "Oh shit." It's cuz like the car's like full of smoke. So then the cop knocks on the window and like rolls the window down and it's just like smoke just fills the whole place like

Like just like a car like a like a like a movie scene. And I had like a little like roach in the car.

Darren Waller23:31

So then they like took me to jail. Uh from there I had to spend the night in jail.

Darren Waller23:37

Uh different jail.

Darren Waller23:39

Yeah.

Darren Waller23:42

Yeah.

Darren Waller23:44

Yeah, I ended up uh like getting a suspended a game the first game of my junior year for that cuz that was like in the spring of my sophomore year.

Darren Waller23:52

And uh and then so my parents uh after that they just like stopped giving me money cuz they knew where it was going.

Darren Waller23:58

That was when I started to resort to figuring out how I was going to get things that I wanted. Like stealing beer and stealing textbooks and yeah, just trying to figure out how to always to flip and get some money so I could keep you know keep habits going.

Darren Waller24:15

Yeah.

Darren Waller24:36

And I was setting myself up to I was asking to be arrested for this [ __ ] I was just

Darren Waller24:49

Yeah, putting up numbers and it's really more so like when I was in college like so a receiver is like a good season for a receiver is like a 1,000 yard season.

I didn't have a 1,000 yards my whole four years of college cuz we had that option offense, but pretty much all of my production came from like high quality opponents, like top 10 ranked opponents. So, like we played UGA. I was having like big plays.

Darren Waller25:14

Not in the names anybody would really recognize. We had three different quarterbacks those three years, but a lot of scouts are coming to watch these guys that are like getting first round picks on these other teams. It was like, "Who is this guy making plays against these guys?" was how I kind of started to come on the radar and with like the height, weight, speed combination. But, yeah, the junior year is when it started to be like, "Okay." Like, and even like I remember my strength coach being like, "Dude, like if you lock in, like you got a chance to go to the league." And I remember my college coach like he'd be dealing with like with my suspensions and all the [ __ ] I'm doing off the field, but anytime somebody in the media would ask him, he'd be like, "He's going to play on Sundays." And I was just like, "Oh, I could And he cuz he would always keep it real.

He was never blowing smoke up nobody's ass. He was keeping it blunt, but he would say

Darren Waller26:01

Yeah, he would say like, yeah, he's like, "Bro, like come on, like lock in. Like, what do What do like what do What do we got to do to like get you to lock in? Like, we

Darren Waller26:15

Yeah, he'd be like, "You you like you're doing dumb [ __ ] Like, you got a whole lot to look forward to. Like, what the fuck?"

Darren Waller26:24

Yep.

Darren Waller26:27

I was suspended the first two games of my senior year.

Darren Waller27:46

Right.

Darren Waller27:56

Right, but then it also speaks to what you said earlier about like I didn't know how much like unconscious pain that I was numbing with the decisions that I was making. And it's like a lot of a lot of young athletes, just young people like

Darren Waller28:08

When they're struggling or when they're making decisions that are poor as you see and it's just like, what the [ __ ] It's like if you look deeper into their situations, it's like, man, like they're there's so much pain that has been stuffed down or like big

What the type of they grew up in a dysfunctional home or there's things that have happened that they've never taken a look at or healed from that it's like they're just like unconsciously making that decision to continue to numb and then like, you know, suffer the consequences of it and it's just like, that's why I think it's so important to have these conversations and to help these younger people to take a deeper look at what's going on and like embrace therapy,

Darren Waller28:44

Talk to their counselors or even just like use their friend groups and

Uh talk to their families about like, "Hey, I'm dealing with these things." and like having more open, deeper conversations. Just like allowing that vulnerability to be present in their lives.

Darren Waller29:33

Yep.

Darren Waller31:23

So, I mean, shoot, I went to college. I graduated college in 2014, so it was like a completely different world now. Like, there was no If you were talk If you had a sent one text to a agent, it's going to be problems for the school, for

Darren Waller31:34

So, it wasn't until like after um the bowl game. So, like, my senior year, um I got a hot I got a hot I was on a hot streak. Like, the end of my senior year, like, the last three games we played like really good quality opponents. We played UGA. We played Florida State in the ACC Championship, who they were the number one team in the country.

Darren Waller31:51

And um then in our bowl game, we played Mississippi State when Dak Prescott was there. They were number one most of the year. I had big games in all those games. And so, it was like, "Oh, it's not like you're definitely going to like As soon as that my that Orange Bowl ended, I had an invite to the combine. I had a bunch of I had like a handful

Darren Waller32:14

Yeah, there would be like like coaches on staff like um would cuz there would be uh you see the NFL scouts at practice. My uh strength coach, he was like at Vanderbilt, so he was like with like Jay Cutler and I think like Jay Cutler and Matthews. Like, he had been around NFL guys. He's like, "Bro, they're looking at you. Like, make sure like you locked in like blah blah blah." And and so, it's like I knew that there were eyes on me. And I'm I'm like, "Okay, there's an opportunity to to go and and take it there.

And I knew once I'm playing against these good teams because it's like some of these dudes I'm going up against are first round picks.

Darren Waller32:45

And I'm beating the first round picks. It's like, oh, I'm definitely going.

Darren Waller32:51

Yeah, I ran 4.46 at the 40 at the combine. So, it was like

Darren Waller32:55

I'm 6'6".

Darren Waller32:57

At the combine, I was 238.

Darren Waller33:00

So I knew going to the combine, I was like, I don't know if I'm going to get drafted, but like I know like then I ran that 40, and I was like, I'm definitely getting drafted.

Darren Waller33:08

Like it probably I still think it'll probably be like late, which it was, sixth round, but

Darren Waller33:14

Yeah.

Darren Waller33:16

Baltimore.

Darren Waller33:20

No, it was like 3 years after them.

Darren Waller33:27

The most intense probably ever.

Darren Waller33:30

But yeah, I got drafted by the Ravens. I didn't know till I mean, later on I saw John Harbaugh they had interviewed John Harbaugh in something, and they were like, yeah, we saw him as a first round talent. He just had like the character stuff off the field, and um it just like wasn't a ton of production in college, but just like off the ability that we saw, he's like to us he was like a first round talent. I was like, I you know, I I just didn't have the confidence at that time like, you know, I'm dealing with all stuff that I'm dealing with.

I'm just like, my head is just a [ __ ] just

Darren Waller33:56

A lot of nonsense going on in my head, you know?

Darren Waller34:00

I was lying to everybody.

Darren Waller34:02

There was like, so like with the arrests and like the failed drug tests and all this stuff. I'm just like, oh, you know, I'm just I'm just a kid. I'm partying.

Darren Waller34:10

I'm a kid. I'm partying. Like, yeah, I can use the you know, it's kind of like you said like with the um like you see me as a certain person. Like I was smart enough to use the fact that I looked like I could be like, yes, sir. No, ma'am. I'm like, I could use that to

Darren Waller34:24

A good cover, and I can keep doing what I'm doing behind the scenes. So, it was like it was a lot of that just like,

Darren Waller34:31

Of the mill.

Darren Waller34:43

I think they they got a lot from the interviews, but it's just like looking at, you know, I had been arrested twice

Darren Waller34:48

By that time.

Darren Waller34:50

Yeah.

Darren Waller34:51

Yeah, they know everything.

Darren Waller34:54

They investigate, they know everything.

Darren Waller34:56

Yeah. So, I had failed drug test in college.

Darren Waller34:59

Uh yeah.

Darren Waller35:00

You know, stuff happening on campus like cops coming to my the dorms and all regularly cuz we're just like raging and like, yeah. So, it's like I was getting I'm getting hit with all types of uh

Darren Waller35:17

Me being who it me being like in the thought process I was in, I was like, I didn't even think I'm making it this far. So, it's like and just like, you know, my whole world is revolving around like getting high and getting [ __ ] up. So, it's like though I'm not even computing those things in my head like

Darren Waller35:33

Yeah, I mean, I remember if I had a hundred bucks in my Wells Fargo account, I thought I was [ __ ] Bill Gates in college. But and then so it's like I signed like my signing bonus with the Ravens, I was six round, it was like a hundred eleven thousand after tax, it was sixty-four thousand. I'm like, "I'm [ __ ] rich."

Darren Waller35:56

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I I feel like they definitely um instilled a lot in me and so I was like, "I'm not about to just go blow this bag on everything, but like I'm going to make sure I've got just got a steady supply of percs."

Darren Waller36:13

Yeah, it was the hard way. Uh I

Darren Waller36:36

Dude, we was at the raves and had a dude that I was um that was washing cars in the parking lot that like had them on the low.

Darren Waller36:43

So, it's like you could leave the you could leave the the the work day and you could have you just put some in the uh in your in your glove box or some [ __ ] like that.

Darren Waller36:54

Yeah, so we had that and then like um I don't know what happened with him. I think he like there's some kind of drought or whatever, but then that was with me and a teammate of mine we would uh he had a plug or some dude that was like down like inner city Baltimore. So, we like down in the trenches. We riding around in his his brand new this is what 20 15 2016. He in the 2016 2017 Audi like brand new Audi. We in the trenches in Baltimore where it's like you driving for 10 minutes straight houses with no windows boarded up like So, we down there like on some reckless [ __ ]

Darren Waller37:28

[ __ ] stop that [ __ ] hit me.

Darren Waller37:33

Oh, you did?

Darren Waller37:44

They're similar in a lot of ways. I think there's just like a little more added pressure going from college to pros cuz it's like you know, high school to college is like your people from back home are watching. You know, now you're in college. Now it's like your games are on ESPN ESPN2. So, now it's like decent amount of world is watching. You get jump to the NFL it's like the whole [ __ ] world is watching. So, it's like you feel that pressure and it's like, you know, this is like big business.

Darren Waller38:09

You ain't on scholarship. Like this [ __ ] you could be cut.

Darren Waller38:14

You're you're And now you're you went from competing against like, you know, guys where the man where they came from but they're like similar age as you. It was like all 18 to

Darren Waller38:21

20 21.

Darren Waller38:23

Now you playing as grown men trying to put food on the table.

Darren Waller38:27

I'm a kid, yeah. Exactly. So it's like dealing with that and it's like I'm dealing with addiction and like my own mental health spirals. So it's like it was difficult.

Darren Waller38:39

Got the OTAs in the spring and it's like I'm doing well. Like I'm I'm getting open like regularly, but I'm just like I'm so like tense and like I'm palm ball. I can't catch a cold, bro. Like yeah. So it's like I'm stuck like they're seeing like potential of like all right, like he like he understands like he knows where to be. Like he's getting open, but it's just like there's something that's not

Darren Waller39:01

Not there. And so go through um training camp and then it's like it's starting to come around. Like I'm I'm not like I'm starting to ease into a little bit more and then it's like now I carve out a role on special teams. So I made the team over some veteran guys because I was uh they saw enough for me offensively, but also it was like I was playing gunner on punt team and running down on kickoff and doing that cuz I like that's how you got to do.

If you're a marginal bubble player trying to make the roster, you got to do all those things. So I was um on special teams and then I had like started to carve out myself a role on offense. Um but then I got hurt like halfway through the season and was on IR the rest of the year. And um and that was when things started to get

Darren Waller39:38

Bad because like when you're on IR in the NFL, it's like you'll go in, you'll do your treatment and then you're done by [ __ ] noon the latest

Darren Waller39:46

When team goes to practice, like you just on your own.

Darren Waller39:49

[clears throat]

And so which was like a terrible thing for me at that time. And so the rest of that year I'm just like going home and drinking and um you know, popping pills and just like just completely isolated.

Darren Waller40:00

Like living this complete double life from what they see from me, you know, kind of in the building. And um and then from there like that and after that off season when they switched me to tight end. They're like when you come back for your second year, you're going to move to tight end cuz I was like gaining weight like good weight.

Darren Waller40:20

They see like the Jimmy Grahams back then with bigger basketball body type guys. They're like, "Ooh, I'm trying you at tight end when you get back." And so, came back, did that. Um Well, and from cuz I'm I'm failing drug tests, too, this whole time.

Darren Waller40:34

Both.

Darren Waller40:37

Cuz I came in in the drug program. So, when you're in a drug program, they have certain thresholds for things.

Darren Waller40:53

Know. I feel like I shared this story before, but I would used to come into the building, there's this hallway straight hallway you'd walk down to go you pass the cafeteria, you pass the equipment room where you get all your stuff for the day, and then you turn right into the locker room. And as soon as you turn right into the locker room, I could see my locker. And if you failed a drug test, you'd get a FedEx envelope. And in the FedEx envelope, it'd be like, "Darren Waller, you tested positive for oxycodone, cocaine, and alcohol."

And I would So, I would like I would turn, I'd look at my locker, and it'd be a FedEx envelope sitting on the stool, I'd just keep walking.

Cuz I knew Cuz I knew another failed test. And the league is so lenient before you get to suspended game. Like, so the first four I was suspended the first four games of my second season for drug test. But look how look how many tests you got to fail to get there. The first test you fail, you get put in the drug program.

Darren Waller41:40

Second test you fail, you're fined one game, but you still play. Your third test you fail, you're fined two games, but you still play. Fourth test, you're fined four games, but you still play. The fifth one, you get suspended a game. Sixth one, suspended two games. Seventh one, suspended four games. So, it's like I'm failing tests, and I failed way more than that.

Darren Waller42:00

Yeah.

I think I passed a few here and there. Cuz I sometimes I would turn into a sick game and like drink these weird-ass detox drinks.

Darren Waller42:08

And I think I'd beat a test here and there. But for For most part, I'm you know, I'm cooked. So, like I get to sit in the first four games of

Darren Waller42:17

I remember Ozzie Newsome was the is uh he was the GM. Now, I think he's still with the scouting with the Ravens. And um I remember he came into the uh cafeteria. He just walked by me. He's like, "You still doing that dope, huh?" And I was just sitting there like, "Fuck."

Darren Waller42:46

And looking back, they were they were trying they were trying to help. Like, there's a guy that who was worked for the NFLPA at the time. He's an older guy I met through recovery. And uh we have a relationship and he was like, "Yeah, remember Harbaugh Harbaugh was calling me. He was like, 'Man, we got this guy. Like, he think he's really good and talented, but he's struggling.'" Like, trying to get him some help. And then, I had a good I had a good relationship with the team clinician.

Uh who's like the basically team psychiatrist where I like started to open up with. And uh she was very helpful with me. And then, even like the team chaplain as well. Like, I started to open up to to those guys. But, like, I got to sit in the first four games and then played the final 12 my second year. And was, you know, still on special teams and carved out more of a role on offense. Had a few touchdowns. It was like showing a lot in practice to where guys were like, "Man, like, this dude deserves like a chance." And uh

Darren Waller43:33

Cleveland Browns.

Darren Waller43:38

I scored. I was uh picking between like three different moves I wanted to do for a celebration. And then, like, I was so excited that I did all like three of them at once. And I was just looking like,

People were coming to the sideline. People were like, "What the [ __ ] was that?"

Darren Waller43:58

Then the second touchdown I scored was uh we had a Monday night game at New England against like Brady and the guys. And I scored a touchdown in that game. And it was just like, toss it to the ref, kept it pushing.

Darren Waller44:10

And then at the end of that season, like a month ago in that season, I tore my labrum in my shoulder. I played the final four games. Like it wasn't bad enough to like keep me out.

Darren Waller44:17

And um but then like in those last four weeks, I was just like I was really spiraling. I was just like Now now in my mind, I was like I'm really about to fail every drug test now like and just like get the league to just like put me out. So I don't have to look like oh like I think I need to take some time and like

Darren Waller44:33

I don't want to look like a quitter. It's like I feel like it could be better if the league was just like yeah. Get this dude out of here. And then I got banned for a year from the league.

Darren Waller44:45

So I rehabbed from my shoulder injury. I come back from

Darren Waller44:51

Yeah, and I ran through them pills.

Darren Waller45:09

Right.

Darren Waller45:26

It's everything. Yeah.

Darren Waller45:35

For like a month.

Darren Waller45:40

Xanax.

Darren Waller45:49

That was my thing was combining. Like I love like on the label of a pill bottle they'll be like don't

Yeah.

Darren Waller46:06

Yeah. And the other weird thing going on at the time was I rehabbed from my shoulder, then we go to spring, and we had like a new tight end coach and a new offensive coordinator. I'm having like a great spring cuz I'm like I'm going to spring, I'm like, this is they're probably going to kick me out at the end of the spring practice. So, I'm like, this is probably the last football I'll ever play. Like, let me just go like enjoy it and have fun.

Darren Waller46:24

And then it's like I'm out there tearing it up and it looks like it's like I'm going to be like probably like the that was going to be like my first year probably having a starting role or like a bigger role on the offense. But before we left for the summer, I told the coaches I was like, yeah, I'm probably about to get suspended. I don't know how long, but it's probably going to be long. And then um And then uh I feel like a day or two later the league said Darren Waller has been banned for at least a year from the NFL for violation repeated violation of the substance abuse policy.

And uh

Darren Waller46:55

And then 2 months after that suspension was when I got the

Darren Waller47:03

So, I'm in my suspension. I was back went back to Georgia, and then I was like, okay, I'm going to move out of my apartment in Baltimore and come back home because I'm not going to be here. I'm not going to make any money. So, I'm going to just live for free.

Darren Waller47:17

Yeah. And so, I go

Darren Waller47:25

Um so, I go Yeah. So, I go to Baltimore. I'm like, I'm going to move out of my apartment. This was August 11th, 2017. I get there and I'm like, uh my dad gets in like late late tonight like probably when I'm asleep. So, I'm just going to you know, it's probably my last time getting some pills up here. Like, I'm going to just go pick up and uh kick it at my apartment, maybe play some video games.

Darren Waller47:47

Grab some food, like be on some chill [ __ ] And I went and And leading up to that, the dudes like when I tell you we were we were we was going down to the city to get the pills, they was like, be careful like they're pressing pills. Like, got to make sure you're on your P's and Q's. And we're like,

Darren Waller48:57

I go pick up the pills and so what I would like to do is like I would like to get like one I don't always get like the I'm only like the 30s and so I like a 30 and like snort one right before I like drive. So, like I would like cruising on the interstate just off a 30. And so then I'm going to go to the giant grocery store, pick up some food from there. They got a liquor store next door. I was going to get like I was at that time I don't know why I was drinking like Red Stripe beer.

Darren Waller49:19

So, I can get like a six-pack of Red Stripe.

Darren Waller49:23

And uh but I pull up in the giant parking lot and um I'm about to get out of the car and I'm like, "Oh, shit." Like I feel like I was going to like if I got out of the car I was just going to hit the ground and hit the ground and crack like an egg.

Darren Waller49:35

And so I was like, "I'm just going to I'm just going to sit in the car for a few." And this is like a hot summer afternoon.

Darren Waller49:40

And then it was just like I was just sitting there and then it felt like somebody just like pulled the plug out from behind the TV. And then I woke up and it was like dark. And so I'm just like, "I don't know what the [ __ ] happened." And I'm like I feel like I lost like 20 lb, like I'm cold, but like it's just the weirdest feeling ever.

Darren Waller49:57

I'm like, what the [ __ ] My apartment's 2 minutes away.

Darren Waller50:00

So, I'm like, I ain't just post up here and like take a nap. Like, you're like, what the [ __ ] is going on? It's like, this this is nowhere near as much as I had been taking.

Darren Waller50:09

Yeah.

Darren Waller50:10

Yeah. And so, I'm like

Darren Waller50:14

Nah, I cut it off.

Darren Waller50:18

Mix those together, and it's just like I don't know how the [ __ ] like I woke I woke up with enough fear in me to be like, I don't know what just happened. I don't know what this is, but like I'm open to something different.

Darren Waller50:32

And then, a couple days later I think not maybe not even that. The team doctor from the Ravens calls and says, "Your toxicology results are just getting worse and worse every time. Like, we want you to go see this addiction specialist in Atlanta, in like College Park area." Which I did, and went and saw them, did testing there, and they were like, "You need to go to rehab immediately."

Darren Waller50:51

So, I went to the detox in Boston, and then

Darren Waller50:54

Uh McLean Hospital.

Darren Waller50:57

Yeah. And then, went

Darren Waller51:00

Yeah.

Darren Waller51:02

I was there 4 days, and then they took then they uh I went to uh McLean Hospital at a separate campus in uh Camden, Maine.

Darren Waller51:10

Was where I went to rehab.

Darren Waller51:11

Uh I think it was like 30.

Darren Waller51:14

Um and then, came home and uh you know, it was a that experience was profound for me. Just like that's where like the vulnerability started. It's like like I'm like instantly like, "Oh, wow. Like, I need to do the therapy. I need to do this journaling. I need to go to these meetings because it's like it's terrifying to me to like share about what's going on in my life, but like once I do it, it's like I feel like a little bit better every time that I do it." And so, I'm like, "Oh, like this is what I need to keep doing." And so, like I come home from rehab, and I'm like I know where I'm going to go to meetings.

And uh I got a gym where to work out I just work out at the gym just to be healthy and then this dude I played pick up basketball with my dad was a store manager at Sprouts.

Darren Waller51:55

And they were like, "Yeah, we we're hiring." And so I got a I was a grocery clerk at Sprouts.

Darren Waller52:02

Yep.

Darren Waller52:04

Yeah, a little bit.

Darren Waller52:06

I was playing for free down the stretch there.

Darren Waller52:08

I was getting fined, but

Darren Waller52:12

I'm thinking the NFL's done and I'm like, I don't know if I even want to go back.

Darren Waller52:25

Yeah.

Darren Waller52:36

Um

Darren Waller52:37

It wasn't a ton of the self-pity. It was just a lot of like, all right, like that chapter of my life is over. Like it like now I just have to like rebuild a new foundation for like what do I want my life to be like for me just like as a person.

Darren Waller52:49

Cuz like we're we're starting over here.

Darren Waller52:51

And so it was just like it felt good to have structure. It felt good to have something to work at. It felt good and then it's like I'd go from there to the gym or I'd go from there to go see like my first sponsor

Darren Waller53:04

Yeah. They saw me getting up and going to work and uh I'd come home and like I'd be cooking my own food. They're like, "We're not cooking for you." And I was just like, "All right." And then I didn't I'm just like, "I'm cooking my own food." Like

Darren Waller53:15

Thank you for letting me be here. Um but yeah, I had my job. I was going to meetings, doing step work and I had a group therapy um once a week that I would go to. So it's just like I had a good plan

Darren Waller53:27

And stuck to it. And so those things were like giving me like that small feeling of just like, all right, like self-respect. Like I'm showing up and doing these things. I don't know what it's going to turn into. I don't know what my life is going to look like, but I can we can build from here, you know.

Darren Waller53:42

Um I work at Sprouts for probably I think it was 7 months I ended up working at Sprouts. I got that job like

Darren Waller53:48

I wasn't like a household name back then, but there would be some people I got knew like I never I always remember this There's a girl that was a couple years older than me. She played volleyball at Georgia Tech. She's like really attractive.

Darren Waller53:59

And she's like she see me working at Sprouts. She's like, "You You working at Sprouts?" And I was just like and like she wouldn't say it in a disrespectful way, but I was just like, "Damn, like this is somebody that I used to like, you know, want to get at."

Darren Waller54:09

This is like damn, I'm working at I'm doing working at Sprouts now and I'll see Some people I knew from growing up.

Darren Waller54:13

But yeah, like it was a kind of sting in the moment, but then it just like I'd kind of like forget about it and it's just like, you know, I feel like I I kind of got a good thing going.

Darren Waller54:20

Here. So, I was just kind of just trying to stay focused on that.

Darren Waller54:26

A good friend of mine from when we were kids, he was he became my like receiver coach and trainer like when I left college like going for my pro day and stuff. And he was like, "Bro, like let's get back to work." Like he was the main one being like, "You still got a lot left in the tank."

Darren Waller54:41

Let's get back to work.

Darren Waller54:43

And I'm like, "Bro, like whatever." Like I'll go out to some of the workouts and I'm like, you know, like I could There's some of the workouts we would do they'd be like 2-hour workouts. Like we'd be grinding, but it's like I'd be 30 minutes, 40 minutes in and I'm just like, "Oh, [ __ ] I can't make it. Like I'm tired." Like

Um, and then I think I like tore my meniscus in my knee. So, then I took I had to take a break for a while and then once I healed back he's like, "How you doing, bro? You healed? Like let's get back to work." This is probably like, yeah, early 2018. And now we're going out there and like now we're trying to like now we're starting to stack some workouts, we're getting some good quality work in over time. And then a few two, three months had went by and it was like I feel like, you know, I'm getting pretty crisp and like I'm enjoying the process.

Darren Waller55:25

Yeah. And so if April came, so that would have been like six, seven months I'd been working at Sprouts and I was just like, "All right, I'm going to get reinstated in probably like three months or so like is when my year is up." And so I was like, "I'm Let me Let me just like devote this time to training and then see like if opportunity presents itself to go back, um I'll be ready for it." And so I devoted that time to that, got reinstated to go back to the Ravens and I was uh you know, in good shape, felt good about my craft.

Like first time first practice I got back, I'm out there killing. But they had um drafted like two uh rookie tight ends with high draft picks.

Darren Waller56:02

You know, cuz they they had moved on, like

You know what I'm saying? So, I was on the practice squad. So that's like kind of like, you know, like a demotion from where I was like playing and active before. But it's like all these humbling experiences, like working at Sprouts and then being on the practice squad, it was just like it taught me to like get out of like what the result and the outcome looks like and just like be be in present and like making the most out of what I got here. And that's where I feel like my game really started to elevate, like not only like working with my boy's name is Nick O'Leary.

Working with him and then coming back and I was on the practice squad 2/3 of that 2018 season in Baltimore and we had the number one defense in every statistical category.

Darren Waller56:40

I'm going against them every day at practice.

Darren Waller56:43

Yeah, I'd win a lot of reps. It's like they're number one defense, they'd win some reps, but it's like I'm getting mine like against them. And so it's like building this confidence is like, "Oh wait, like

Darren Waller56:54

It's never really a quick process. Like I was on I was on the practice squad 11 weeks of that season.

Darren Waller56:59

And most of those time I'm like I'm having a great attitude. I'm like, "This is great. I'm getting better." Like well, in that that Thanksgiving week hit and I'm like, "Man, like I've been at this so long and it's just like there'll be tight ends getting hurt, there'll be opportunities open up." My agent's like, "Yeah, I'm not getting any phone calls." Cuz like you know, cuz my past, like people were trying to just like don't want to touch me with a 30-ft pole. Oakland Raiders came to town that week.

Before the games on Sunday, cuz I wouldn't dress out on the practice squad. Uh RG3 would throw to me and this other receiver Jordan Lasley. We'd get a bunch of extra routes in.

Darren Waller57:29

And uh that game is like, "Come on, we're going to get these routes." And I was like, "Man, I don't want to run routes. I run routes every week. We do this every week. Like, what's the point? But like in that moment, it was just like I made that decision to go out there and run routes. I didn't know that the the Raiders general manager was like watching our entire workout. The John Gruden and Greg Olsen were watching our workout and they were like, who is that dude over there running around running routes?

Like, cuz they were having a tough season and they were like bringing guys in and kind of having open tryouts.

Darren Waller57:56

So, they saw me running in that workout where I that I almost said, nah, I don't want to do it.

Darren Waller58:00

And they signed me to the team on the flight back to the active roster with the Raiders like just off of seeing me run around in that workout. Then they asked the tight end coach and they were like, yeah, that's Darren Waller. Like, while I was in Chicago, we were trying to trade for him in the second year, but the Ravens said no. They were like, yeah, like get him. And then the next day the next morning my agent called me and was like, you're the Oakland Raiders just claimed you to their active roster.

You got to fly out immediately. So, I flew to Oakland and played the last uh few games on the on active roster there, but we had there was a tight end on the roster that was a pro bowl player. His name was Jared Cook. So, I was just like, all right, Lena, I'm just going to be a sponge.

Darren Waller58:35

Keep grinding, keep getting better. And then it's like like I was saying about I didn't really have much confidence. I didn't know like the things that I was doing on the practice field and like running routes and like getting open. Like, everybody around me was just like, what

Darren Waller58:46

Yeah. Like, this dude is incredible. Like, in my mind I'm like going back and I'm like, is that is that okay? Like, did I do that right? And they were like, yeah, like, what are you talking about? Like, that's great. And then after that season, they let Jared Cook walk in free agency and then they were like, you're going to you're going to start next year. Like, it's your job to lose. And then from there like that season was when I had like my first thousand yard season and then like

Darren Waller59:07

Mhm.

Darren Waller59:09

It was just like so entertaining at all times. And he was like so like invested in like seeing me become like great. He was like just speaking into existence the whole time. He was like, man, you're going to be so like great. And so I was like, trust me. Like, it's going to be so much fun. And uh he gave me so many opportunities just like run routes from so many different positions and line up so many different places. Like he really challenged me like intellectually and all the things he's like watch Julio Jones, watch these great receivers.

Like they keep getting open because they're able to line up in different spots, run different routes, learn all the concepts. So, they challenged me in a lot of ways to do that. And he was just funny, man. Like

Darren Waller59:44

Made it like a fun place to come to work every day. He's teaching He's installing the offensive plays every day. It's like a Netflix comedy special.

Darren Waller59:51

Like nobody's in the meeting sleeping. Everybody's just laughing.

Darren Waller59:55

Yes.

Darren Waller1:00:04

A wild junkie.

Darren Waller1:00:16

Um no. Like I think like after the first 6 months of being sober and like really starting to get into the work, I was the first 6 months I was kind of like, "Man, why does everybody else get to [ __ ] party and they don't have any consequences and they

Darren Waller1:00:47

You're the dog, man.

Darren Waller1:01:48

100% I was I was moving through life so much of the time, even up till recently, I was like thinking I needed somebody else's the external validation.

Darren Waller1:01:57

Um to feel good about myself. So, like the journey of really infusing that into myself routinely and making that helping that become a habit is something that's new to me or even over like the last few years. Like really like actually staying consistent with it and I see the difference in being like, "Yeah, like this is the direction I want to take my life in." And it's like I had enough time of living by a certain sets of new principles and trying to hold myself to a high bar of like integrity and like my recovery and stuff like that to where it's like I can trust myself to hold myself to that bar and continue to, you know, just be better version of myself.

Darren Waller1:03:23

Right.

Darren Waller1:03:33

Right.

Darren Waller1:03:39

Yeah.

Darren Waller1:04:48

Well, so during my first year, in 2019, um I think it was like the fifth game, the team like, I'm on like a minimum deal. Like, I'm fresh off the

Darren Waller1:04:59

First year with the Raiders, 2019, like five games in, like

Darren Waller1:05:07

And then, so 2019, my first year starting, through the first five games of the season, I have the most catches for a tight end in the first five games of a season in NFL history. And so they're

Darren Waller1:05:19

They're like, "We're going to get ahead and give this dude a deal now, so we don't he's not going to [ __ ] break the bank on us at the end of the season." Which I think is smart by them. It's like with me, I'm like I was working at Sprouts

Darren Waller1:05:30

Uh [ __ ] year ago. Like I need some money.

Darren Waller1:05:36

Yeah, and at the time it was 9 mil a year um three-year extension 9 mil a year, which was the highest for a tight end at that time.

Darren Waller1:05:44

They just gave me at the at the time it wasn't really like a big signing bonus. They're like, "We're going to give you 2 mil right now and then like up your salary this year like through the roof basically." So I'm like, "That's way more than enough for me." Like So I was working like I said, I'm working at Sprouts. I was making like

Darren Waller1:06:00

Right. It's like, "Take like this is like great money and um you know, at the time like coming from like not really having much, not really making much over the last few years." It was just like "Yeah, I'mma take it."

Darren Waller1:06:13

Yeah.

Darren Waller1:06:14

And then it was like so it was like good then then it's

Darren Waller1:06:30

It's like that. I was like, "Yeah, that's

Darren Waller1:06:36

So I signed that and then like 2019, 2020, 2021 it's like kind of like out I outplayed that deal in like a year and a half maybe. And so then it was like I signed another deal in 2022.

Darren Waller1:06:50

That was the It was like three years 51.

Darren Waller1:06:57

Yeah. Even to this Even to this day like my whole career almost doesn't even feel like it's

Darren Waller1:07:07

Uh

Darren Waller1:07:10

Yeah, but I think my uh it's easy it was so easy for me to have discernment on who those people were because my career had been so up and down.

Darren Waller1:07:22

Like I've been suspended so many times. I've been uh you know, made it to the league, suspended, uh playing time I didn't spend suspended. Like And now it's like it's so easy to tell like y'all full of [ __ ]

Darren Waller1:07:38

Nobody even needed to step in cuz I didn't really like The only thing I was spending money on was drugs. So like now it's like I ain't spending money on nothing for real. Like that 2019 season with the Raiders like I saw I signed that 27 million. I'm at the I'm staying at the extended stay next door like

Darren Waller1:07:52

I'm just like just so I can be close. I can go in and get in the tubs whenever I want. I can make sure I'm all like I'm not really

Darren Waller1:07:58

No, I had a I still have my Jeep that I OD'd in. Still was driving. Still driving the Jeep Grand Cherokee.

Darren Waller1:08:05

Nothing.

Darren Waller1:08:06

No.

Darren Waller1:08:08

Gave it to my investor.

Darren Waller1:08:12

Same dude from my rookie year.

Darren Waller1:08:14

"We got money coming in."

It's good you're not a big spinner. You don't got jew- I ain't have no jewelry. At the time.

Darren Waller1:08:35

To this day.

Darren Waller1:08:41

Right.

Darren Waller1:08:49

Right.

Darren Waller1:09:02

So what I finally what I finally bought something I bought like a uh I built a house in McDonald Highlands, like a blue heron house, and overall it was like right at like 2 million on the dot, which now is that was 2020. So, now the neighbors bought the house next to me for five, so I know that [ __ ] going through the roof now. So, but that's all I that's all I really spend money on. I have a I have a used 2023 Tesla Model X.

They were like 120 at when they first started. I got it for like 67. That's my only car. I have a sauna at the house.

Darren Waller1:09:34

Yeah, I'm I'm starting to give myself more experiences now, like international travel and spending my money on music stuff, like but

Darren Waller1:09:41

Yeah, no, I got parents new cars um paid off paying off their car their house mortgage.

Darren Waller1:09:49

Yeah, got my grandparents new need a new car got they got them a new car. I've donated a lot of money through like the foundation that I've had.

Darren Waller1:09:58

Darren Waller Foundation.

Darren Waller1:10:01

We've helped people like through the treatment process like giving people that can't afford to go scholarships to go to detox treatment and then um like over six months of sober living

Darren Waller1:10:12

After. So, just kind of like helping them through that whole process.

Darren Waller1:10:20

We raise raise donations.

Darren Waller1:10:24

That's my guy.

Darren Waller1:10:26

Yeah, I've known Zach for what five years now maybe?

Darren Waller1:10:33

Amazing guy.

Darren Waller1:10:37

Yeah, I mean see when I was in New York with the Giants I went to one of their live events at

Darren Waller1:10:41

At the Tao the gala at Tao.

Darren Waller1:10:43

They do amazing stuff.

Darren Waller1:10:46

Small world.

Darren Waller1:10:54

Never relapsed on drugs and alcohol. Um, think what I instantly did was trade drugs and alcohol for uh uh like sex and like relationships with women, like love addiction

Darren Waller1:11:06

Big thing for me. Um, and it's like it's not as detrimental to your life. Like I'm not going to get suspended for it. I'm not going to I'm almost going to get celebrated for it because

Darren Waller1:11:17

Right, exactly. Um, but yeah, it's like I'm not going to get People will pat me on the back for I'm I'm supposed to have seven girlfriends with all this money I have, you know, so it's like it's a weird like something I have to that I've learned more about that over the last couple years.

Darren Waller1:11:45

Um, actually none of that.

Darren Waller1:11:47

I I think in that way like I feel like my picker wasn't broken because I found these girls that I was like they actually liked me for me. It was I had so much avoidance and my own stuff going on inside to where it was like that fear of commitment and intimacy and just like as soon as it's like about to get real with this one person I go to and start something new somewhere else and just stay keep that loop going.

Darren Waller1:12:16

I believe so because the same pattern existed all the way up through meeting her. There was none of the work that I've done in the last couple years was done before that relationship and it's like Yeah, there was I look back and like I didn't have a chance to show my the the best version of me as a partner in a in a relationship like that.

Darren Waller1:12:40

Yeah.

Darren Waller1:12:44

Yeah, definitely. Just in a lot of ways of like not being able to um No, but like if you're going to have a healthy relationship you got to have people that advocate for themselves that have access to their voice and that can um handle confrontation. I feel like I was such a people pleaser.

Darren Waller1:12:57

And just like the same dynamic I had with kind of like orbiting around my mom in fear was like that's the same dynamic I kind of had with her. And you can see now like that attachment style showing up and it's like when you're people pleasing in that way it's like and the pace starts picking up and going really fast it's like there's I see a lot of junctures where it could have slowed down if I had a voice and be like, "Hey, I don't know if I'm ready to to move in this direction like this.

Hey, I don't know if and there could be arguments, there could even be a breakup, but it's like I realized not having a voice and not having any like needs and wants and like being able to advocate for yourself in a relationship that's not a good thing.

Darren Waller1:13:29

Going along to get along is not the way to go like so I feel like a lot in a lot of those ways it was set up for failure.

Darren Waller1:14:28

Yeah.

Darren Waller1:14:35

Yeah, yeah.

That's what I was saying like literally the same thing. And and just like yeah, like I would have 100% say that was the case. And just like on a mental and emotional level I'd been sober but I didn't I hadn't done the work necessary to actually operate in that situation like an adult. It was like operating in a lot of ways like as like my teenage self because I hadn't done the work to look at like, "Okay, why do I show up in relationships like this?

Why do I feel like I have to be a fear and orbit around this person, make sure they're okay so that I'm okay." Like none of that work had ever been looked at. So it's like I'm showing up in a very emotionally immature way. Yeah.

Darren Waller1:15:19

Yeah, and I think there was a little bit of like a fantasy component with that cuz like I feel like just like human to human we had a great connection, but I feel like just um looking at myself is like that element of like, "Oh, we're both in this place." And it's like the power couple validation of it. And it's just like, "Oh, it makes sense." as opposed to being like, "How do we How do we work together as humans?" Cuz I feel like there was both There was unconscious and undealt with pain and things on both sides

Darren Waller1:15:42

That I feel like the speed and the and the pace of the progression of our relationship we didn't necessarily dive into those things. And uh I feel like that's it's you can't really speed past those things.

Darren Waller1:15:56

Take it slow.

Darren Waller1:15:59

Married in '23, divorced in '24.

Darren Waller1:16:04

A week after our honeymoon I got traded to the Giants. Like the day we The day we got back from our honeymoon and like the next day I got traded to the Giants.

Darren Waller1:16:17

Yeah, I had a stylist.

Darren Waller1:16:20

Oh, cool. Yeah.

Darren Waller1:17:07

Yeah, it's amazing.

Darren Waller1:17:09

I think New York was dope. A lot of it was like I struggled with being like removed from I've made a lot of good community and friends.

Darren Waller1:17:16

Yeah.

Being like the independent contractor in a far away city. Um, you know, dealing with the stress and pressure being like newly married and then kind of like struggling with like all right, like I'm here, I'm playing, I'm good at football, but I'm like still just feels like I don't know what I'm doing here. Like I don't really truly feel connected to the why of things. So it's like all these things going on and I'm all alone going through those things at that at that time. Really going to meetings, I'm not really um, establishing a community up there.

Like

Darren Waller1:17:47

I was in Jersey, Weehawken. Like kind of like right on the

Darren Waller1:17:51

I met Zach in 21 through I had a friend Donnie who I co-hosted a podcast with.

Darren Waller1:17:56

And I think Donnie had connected to Zach with Zach. Then we had all become friends like that.

Darren Waller1:18:02

Mhm.

Darren Waller1:18:04

After that season.

Darren Waller1:18:05

I retired at

Darren Waller1:18:09

I retired at

Darren Waller1:18:11

I mean, just like a lot of what I was talking about. Just

Darren Waller1:18:15

I don't know like what I'm still doing here. Um, and then at that time it was like I kind of knew the marriage was going to be over. Um, and I had like this health scare of uh Long story short, one night I felt like I was just like I had a fever coming on cuz I had COVID twice and it whooped me and I thought I was having COVID again, but I had a viral infection in my lungs and basically like lost consciousness.

Darren Waller1:18:36

Had to call and like the paramedic like I as I was like passing out like a paramedic a paramedic and a cop like showed up to my room and like took me to the hospital. I was there for like 72 hours.

Darren Waller1:18:47

And like, you know, like somebody had to like pick my dick up for me to pee in a jug. Like so I was down bad.

Darren Waller1:18:54

And it was just like and in that experience of me like fighting for my life till like the paramedic came, I was like literally thought I was going to die. I was like, "This is where I'm going to die and this is how I feel about my life."

Darren Waller1:19:05

So I kind of like prompted me to like just take a deeper look and then I felt like it was necessary for me to step away from the game because I'm like I don't think I'm actually if I can't like step away from it, I'm not actually choosing this. Like I'm kind of just like

Darren Waller1:19:18

Going through it and I'm blessed enough to be able to have stepped away and be financially secure at that time and to have had an opportunity to come back in and un-retire

Darren Waller1:19:27

Last year, but like I felt like that opportunity wouldn't have presented itself if I didn't take that time to really like there's a lot of work that I needed to to do that was a lot of stemming from the relationship stuff and just like going back to the early childhood. There's like a lot there. The iceberg under the water like there's a lot more work to do. So I'm glad that I went and did that.

Darren Waller1:19:48

Was it was tough. We we were we're not a good team. We struggled a lot. Um but uh you know, it was good good people. It's a good organization.

Darren Waller1:19:57

Uh Brian Daboll.

Darren Waller1:20:04

Yeah, shout out to Daboll.

Darren Waller1:21:19

No, he's cool, yeah.

Darren Waller1:21:22

Yeah.

Darren Waller1:21:23

It was needed. It was like another like rediscover next chapter of like rediscovery of like myself and like looking more into like, all right, like what do I want my life to to look like, you know? So it's like, you know, I think I went like a year not having sex. Uh I went travel to Japan. Uh dove deeper into

Darren Waller1:21:43

Uh I had a videographer come with me for like 4 days.

Darren Waller1:21:47

I was out there for like 7 days by myself. I had like guides that would take me places.

Darren Waller1:21:54

Beautiful out there.

Darren Waller1:21:58

Yeah.

Darren Waller1:21:59

And then like going to see like national parks, just like going out and just like exploring the world, doing a lot of deeper work on myself. Um Yeah, things like that. I did a You ever heard of Hyrox?

Darren Waller1:22:10

I did a Hyrox.

Darren Waller1:22:12

New York.

Darren Waller1:22:13

Last year.

Darren Waller1:22:17

Damn.

Darren Waller1:22:19

I did the open. I wasn't ready for the pro.

Darren Waller1:22:22

Uh I think I did like an hour 19.

Darren Waller1:22:25

Was so tough. I'm used to like speed power sprints. This is like a whole different thing.

Darren Waller1:22:30

That's beast. That's a

Big time.

Darren Waller1:22:35

Yeah, so I was doing all that. I was doing all that stuff and wasn't even thinking about going back to the game. It was like I'll watch I'll I think I watched like during that 2024 season I probably watched maybe five games and it wasn't like the full game. It was just like and I'll see it on TV and I'll be like, "Oh, it's dope." I'd I'd watch it with people. They'll be asking me questions. I'll be like, "Oh, yeah, like they're doing this. Like this blitz off the edge.

Like

Darren Waller1:22:54

They protection is trying to do this." Like I'll explain the game to them. It's just like it's cool to watch the game, cool to see guys that you played against and played with. And it wasn't like a desire to like, "I want to get back."

Darren Waller1:23:03

But um

Darren Waller1:23:05

I went to visited so this coach uh his name is Frank Smith. He's somebody I have a really good relationship with. He was my tight end coach with the Raiders like my best years.

Darren Waller1:23:14

And um he was a OC for the Dolphins.

Darren Waller1:23:18

And I went down to like one of their spring practices just to hang out and see him and see what they were doing and stuff and uh just being around the practice it was just like I hadn't been in the environment in a while and uh so I that was like the one of the first times I felt like a little bit of a itch but it wasn't like something where I was just like "I'm coming back."

Darren Waller1:23:37

But um it was uh something to where it was just like uh like my agent was like, "Well, we could see if there's something that can be be made happen if that's where you want to be." And uh they were able to make it happen and then I went there and played and

Darren Waller1:23:56

Team like so the Giants I think I still had three I still had three years on my contract.

Darren Waller1:24:01

Um so they had my rights and so I came out of retirement and I think uh my agent got them to like say like if they could get the Giants like, "If we can get a draft pick, we'll trade him."

Darren Waller1:24:11

And so they

Darren Waller1:24:14

Mhm.

Darren Waller1:24:16

It was a grind. It was a it was a roller coaster. So like I get back. I was so I un-retire and you know I'm I hadn't done football training in since the end of that 2023 season. It's 2025 now. It was 2 years. And so I get there in the in the second week at the end of the second week. We're doing like a top speed like a like a like you're hitting top speed in the workout. I hit top speed. I ain't sprinted in damn near 2 years.

My That's why I had that hip flexor injury. That had me out the whole training camp and the first three games. So I come back from that. I'm like, I needed the training camp to like, you know, kind of get my

Darren Waller1:24:50

Bearings back, get my feet under me to when the season started. So now I'm I'm going to this fourth game. I ain't practiced in 2 years.

Darren Waller1:24:57

So I'm going into this Jets game on Monday night. I have a couple limited practices where they give me limited reps and then the game I'm on like a pitch count.

Darren Waller1:25:04

I'm like, I don't know how this game about to go like I'm about to get hit. I ain't got hit in 2 years. Like I'm about to I'm I'm literally like up until the game starts, I'm like, I have no idea how this is going to go. But they tell me like, your role is going to be like third down and red zone. First play we like 1 yd, second play we got like 2 yd, third and seven.

Darren Waller1:25:28

Then like third down hits.

Darren Waller1:25:30

And so like and he they rolled me in the game cuz I'm you know, third down and you know, like if you when you know the playbook, it's like they call the play and hold. I'm like, I'm the first option on it. And then it's like, okay, I'm the I'm the look if like if it's man coverage, I'm going to get the route. So I go out and they motion me in. I'm like, it's man coverage. And so I go up, boom, get over the middle, catch it, first down like 15 yd.

I'm like, oh, we back. This is like And then I think like the next quarter

Darren Waller1:26:15

They don't know that from the play, but they're probably looking at it like okay, like they

Darren Waller1:26:19

They know tendencies of like just like our offense like okay, like third down, we know this team is going to be like a big man team on third down.

Darren Waller1:26:25

And then you adjust if it's zone, but there's certain indicators like if I'm out wide and they motion me in and they motion somebody in, that's a way to check and see like okay, if there if I'm out there as a tight end, there's a safety out there

Darren Waller1:26:39

It's man-to-man, but if I'm out there and it's like a corner out there and they just bump and nobody runs with me, you know it's a zone coverage. You know it's a zone

It's like you use certain things like that.

Darren Waller1:26:47

Yeah, and then in the next quarter we drive down the field, we get into the red zone and it's fourth down, fourth and five, we going for it. They throw one to me on the back line of the end zone and caught a touchdown. I'm like And then caught another touchdown later in the game. I'm like I'm I'm having two touchdowns in the first game back I ain't played in two years. I was probably like the craziest high I'd ever had playing football.

Darren Waller1:27:06

Craziest.

Darren Waller1:27:14

Ravens. Yeah.

Darren Waller1:27:17

I was on tear for like three games. The guy had like four four touchdowns in three games and almost had 100 yards in the first half of the next game. And so I'm like going and then we played Cleveland and I tear my pec like on a run play. So they had me

Darren Waller1:27:32

It felt like somebody had uh like 10 pieces of paper and went like I could hear it.

Darren Waller1:27:39

Yeah, and it felt like it was just like you could hear it. But it was like a myo myotendinous so it was like part of the muscle, part of the tendon. It was like they don't operate on that.

Darren Waller1:27:49

Healed up and came back the rest of that season and then had another game with multiple touchdowns and like had a bunch of like plays like when I was playing like I and they were throwing me the ball like I was productive. So it was enough for

Like where people were watching they're like oh [ __ ] like he's still like he ain't washed up by any means.

Darren Waller1:28:05

And then for me it was enough for me to be like if I have a full off season of training, this could be, you know, double. I think I still got I'm I'm old by league standards. I'll be 34

This fall, but you know, you saw what happened last year on the field. Like this this still

Darren Waller1:28:34

Yeah, yeah, near. They've been there forever, but but yeah, so now just like committed to the training and training since the day after the Super Bowl and just waiting to see what happens.

Darren Waller1:28:44

Nobody. I'm free agent.

Darren Waller1:28:51

I'd like to go where I'm needed at this point. Like wherever I'm most needed. Like I keep saying I'm like, you know what? Send me like God, universe, like send me wherever I'm most needed, you know what I'm saying?

Darren Waller1:29:04

I don't think there's one particular city. Maybe somewhere like what Maybe somewhere West Coast, maybe.

Darren Waller1:29:09

It'd be nice to drive down the street and go to work.

Darren Waller1:29:13

Yeah, I'd be I'd be open to anything.

Darren Waller1:29:18

It's been a while, right?

Darren Waller1:29:20

No, I I have a lot of people tell me I need to. So, that might be in the next in the next transition of life for me.

Darren Waller1:29:31

Awesome.

Darren Waller1:30:00

For sure.

Darren Waller1:30:03

Yeah, I mean, I'm I'm I'm full speed dropping when I'm when I'm out of season. So, I have another song coming out in 2 weeks.

Darren Waller1:30:09

Uh then I'll have a joint project uh me and like my main collaborator his name is Jay Rod. He's a incredible. He's like an He's my engineer but he's also like one of my main producers and just like a good friend of mine. He's an artist as well. So we have a collaborative project that we're going to put out in the beginning of August. And it's called Cadillac Problems. And then after that I'll be getting back to rolling. Now I got a bunch of solo records that I can't wait to put out.

So I got plenty of plenty of

Darren Waller1:30:36

You know love to share with the world and just be creative, come up with the content ideas and just like just get better at that craft. I love it.

Darren Waller1:30:45

Yeah. It's It's It provided such balance to my playing career cuz I've been I've been making music for 10 years. Like the whole time I've been in the league I've been making music behind the scenes. It's just like cuz football you pour so much into it physically, emotionally, mentally and I go home and pull up a beat and just like or just like play around with something and make a song like an idea. It's just like it fills my cup back up so it's like when I go back into work it's like I'm here.

I'm present. I'm doing everything I need to do. It just It just gave me a lot of balance.

Darren Waller1:31:27

Right.